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As the population has increased, energy consumption has soared more than ever before. Under this circumstance, many concern about the exhaustion of natural resources. This essay will dissect this phenomenon and provide possible solutions to address.
First of all, if there is no change in the current consumption pattern, it would cause a shortage of natural resources and an increase in the price of raw materials for production. As a result, the life of low-income people would be threatened because of the soared prices of the necessities. In addition, the deficient resources would have a negative impact on national economic development. <(In addition 이랑 moreover를 앞뒤로 사용하면 글 흐름이 약간 어색합니다. 그 이유는 둘다 같은 의미를 같고 있기 때문입니다)> Moreover, society would fail to function properly. In the worst case, disputes for securing the energy properties would lead to civil or national war between nations.
For dealing with these consequences, there are many solutions which the government can take. First of all, launching educational campaigns would encourage the public awareness of energy issue. Through these social education to save resources, many will make an effort to reduce reckless energy use. Secondly, imposing tax on energy could be a forceful measures the state can take. By reinforcing related laws and regulations, the administration could anticipate decreased emission of pollutants. Lastly, the ministry of energy would be able<(할수있다 라고 말씀하시는거면 would be able to 가 맞는게 그게 아니고 '해야한다' 면 should로 바꾸셔야합니다.) to invest in research on sustainable energy resource and improving electric efficiency.
All things, considered, it is obvious that there are some improvements that can be considered for better existing energy consumption and introducing public education, imposing energy taxed and investing in sustainable energy development are needed to tackle this phenomenon.
Score:7 Comment: Persuasive 한 에세이입니다. 다만 silly mistake가 있습니다. Subject verb agreement, singular/plural agreement 조심해주세요. 더 좋은 에세이를 위해서는 this essay will...라는 문장을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다. Thesis로 인해 이미 에세이에 어떤 내용이 나올지 reader가 압니다. 에세이에 이런 내용일 나올겁니다는 thesis가 하는 역할이기 때문에 따로 안쓰셔도 됩니다.
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