▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, most of
people are under hardship due to difficulties to of getting a job. So after graduating university, students are tend to choose a safe road on for their career. But is it does this decision really make people happy through the rest of their life whole life? In this essay, I will discuss
the reason why this phenomenon has became common and the way to make a proper
decision of for the job.
Firstly, I think that
people choose the stability on for their job because of the development of
technology. Since the industrial revolution, robots have has been changed human’s lucrative jobs. High technologies and robots are now work more effectively more than humans. For now, a lot
of many jobs are already disappeared due to by robots. With less opportunity for jobs,
people cannot help but choose a job’s stability, even though he or she does not like their job. Obviously in Korea, the
most stable job,- the a government officer, –is preferred by current college students
very much. They do know it is It’s
hard to become a chief officer in the large company.<(이 문장이 이 문단이랑 무슨 연관성이 있는지, 왜 중요한지 모르겠습니다. 조금더 elaborate 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) Therefore they choose the
safest middle-class life for their first career from the first of their career.
However , does that ‘stabilized life’ make people satisfied with on their
life? I do not think so.
Despite all of the problems, government and schools should have to make an
effort to change this phenomenon. To increase people’s satisfaction of the career,
primary career education is essential for our next generations. Young students
are does not know the real world, so they do not have an opportunity to think
about their future job. If we could provide education programs to young
children, they might be able to to think about the career which they really would be satisfied with could be
satisfacted. According to the
research which was being done throughout the world, high school students who
took the career education earlier are twice the more satisfied than those who did not who were
not. Consequently, we should
teach students how to start and prepare their career before entering college.
To sum up, we can make
people happier in with their career, as our government and school provide a special
job preparation course for to the children. Even though many jobs are altered by
robots, there still may be opportunities to choose the proper careers for people. I
hope more and more people could choose their own way in the careers with those
primary job education.
Score:4.5 Comment: 문법이 많이 틀리십니다. 특히 동사 쓰는법이랑 단어를 꾸며주는 전치사/형용사를 조금 더 공부하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문장의 어순이 많이 어색한 부분도 일부 있습니다. 글을 쓰신후 한번 읽으시면서 어색한 부분이 없는지 확인 하시는 것을 추천합니다. 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않는 것 같습니다. 로봇이랑 technology 때문에 원하는 직장을 같지 않는 것은 크게 연관성 없다고 봅니다. 로봇으로 인해 많은 일들이 뺏기긴 했지만 그렇다고 자신이 원하는 직업을 같지않고 안전한 직장을 택하는 것은 별개 라고 생각이 됩니다. 아직은 로봇이나 technology가 그렇게 많은 일자리를 뺏은 것 또한 아니라고 봅니다. 세 번째 문단의 경우 사람들이 자신이 무엇을 원하지 모르기 때문에 안정한 직장을 선택한다고는 보지 않습니다. 아마 글쓴이의 생각이 잘 반영되지 않거나 아님 질문을 잘못 이해하셔서 off-topic이 조금 된 것 같습니다.
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