▶ Your Answer :
Recently, most wildlife are threatened by extinction at an alarming rate. It is important that we identify the origins of this alarming phenomenon and investigate useful solutions. In my opinion, the causes are numerous.
There are two main reasons the animals and plants are threatened in the whole world. For the first reason, extremely serious environmental pollution and destruction are probably the most dangerous reason. Massive deforestation to make expanse resorts (??) is causing a global temperature rise. Therefore, of course, many species of animals losing their habitats are faced by extinction, and polar bears and penguins lose more and more of their habitats due to global warming.<(내용 정리를 다시 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) For the second reason, excessive poaching throughout the world destroys the balanced ecosystem with wildlife. Poaching is repeated continually because rich collectors buy unique species animals for extremely high price. <(need a better concluding sentence) (Need better transition)
Although solving is not easy, we have to search for the methods that we can do. The government and we should take actions to solve these issues. The government can adjust the law related to urban development to focus more on protection of environment, and we need to change our habits in daily life such as trying to use public transport, and using less air conditioning and heating. In addition, to solve the problem about poaching, we need have to necessary tools to prohibit poaching. One of the tools is should be a the much stronger law essential to punishing poachers, and more inspectors should be placed to catch poaching scenes. However, the most important thing is that every person people keep the value of wildlife forever.
In conclusion, it is clear that there these are various reasons for the threat of extinction faced by wildlife, and both individual and government efforts are needed to tackle this phenomenon.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 문법상 주로 동사에 weak 하십니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 내용 연결성이 전체적으로 조금 부족합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |