▶ Your Answer : Recently, a the number of parents send their children to at boarding schools as their study environment. However, the other parents want to spend time with their children during the school terms. Both type of parents have a had strong and weak point.<(두 분류의 부모님한테 장단점이 있다는 것은 어색합니다. 오히려 관점이라고 해주셔야합니다) In my point of view, staying with families is more suitable for children during the school term.
One of the good points of boarding school is that students can grow up with more independence and also experience social life. can make student growing up independence and experience social life. The reason why is that students in boarding schools must do most things on their own that parents do for them back at home, such as laundry, cleaning, and doing dishes. , They have to do themselves every single things include laundry, dish wash, cleaning house.<(insufficient. need to elaborate more)
On the other hands, staying at home with families is more efficient for their children to concentrate on school. They do not need to think about other things such as a cleaning the house, washing the dishes wash, and laundry. They do not have to be concerned about house keeping. <(이 묻단도 내용이 부족합니다)
In my opinion, students of staying with families have had much better benefit than other side. Growing up with their families will bring them unforgettable memories. As they are growing up with families, That is unforgettable memories in whole life. Also, we live only once the one time at a life. If someone misses the chance of spending time with families, they mild regret their childhood memories. that chance which having great time with families like travelling, Night shopping, Dinner, movie night.),once they might be regret their child memories.<(기억을 후회한다는 것은 논리가 조금 어색합니다. 오히려 하지 않은것을 후회하게 될 것이다 라고 해주시면 될 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, students should go to school while staying home with their families. with staying families had better benefit and valuable time compare with attending boarding school. Moreover its more concerned their mental health and unforgettable memories once in a life. <(sentence fragment이며 무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 잘 모르겠습니다)
Score: 4 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이나 내용은 fair합니다. 하지만 composition에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Incomplete 한 문단들이 일부 있으십니다. Paragraph는 4~6문장들로 complete 해주셔야합니다. 또한 문장구상에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법이 많이 어색하며 틀리시는 곳이 많습니다. 그렇기 때문에 이해가 잘 안되는 부분들이 있습니다. 글자수가 250 미만이시기도 합니다. Reader가 글이 부족하다고 생각을 하면 패널티가 적용이 될 수 있습니다.그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
|