▶ Your Answer :
Recently, some mass media have broadcasted
that the average weight of people with average weight is increasing, while their health and fitness
are not. This essay will discuss about the causes of the problem and the
solutions.
Based on a recent research about this, the
perceptions of individuals exert severe influence on countries’ average weight.
Public tend to be exposed to the media, which regards a skinny person as is
beautiful. This gives an effect on not only to women, but also to teenagers who care
how people think about their appearances. So, they struggle to be look skinny
by utilizing tips from SNS. Even though there’re<(formal essay에는 contraction을 쓰지 않습니다. 풀어서 쓰셔야합니다. ) some valuable information, people
focuses in on different ways, like skipping meals. Even more, most teenagers are
still immature so that they cannot distinguish how they will be able to stay fits
in a right way. In conclusion, the wrong perceptions of individuals, including
women and teenagers, affect some countries’ average weight.
When it comes to the solutions, it is
well-known that it is time for to governments to play the role. They should implement a nationwide campaign. There are several examples. Firstly, they have to regulate
wrong information on the internet through the ministry of cyber security.
Secondly, broadcasting public advertisements can reduce the negative facts
above. For examples, put head copy about encouraging people to take three meals
a day and doing exercises. For teenagers, the education system has to teach
them to distinguish whether information is right or wrong. If the government
implement those things above, general health will be improved.
To sum up, due to the perceptions of people
cause the problem and the government reduce it by implanting campaigns
Score: 3 Comment: 질문을 잘못 이해하신 것 같습니다. 질문은 사람들의 평균 몸무게가 늘었다고 하고 계십니다. 글쓴이는 평균 몸무게를 가지고 있는 사람들이 늘었다고 이해를 하신 것 같습니다. 그렇기 때문에 에세이 전체 내용이 질문과 irrelevant 합니다. 패널키가 적용이 되며 큰 감점 요인이 될 수 있습니다. 문법상 전치사에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |