▶ Your Answer :
People have divergent views
with regards to the question of whether the modern technology would be
beneficial for on education or not. While some argue that it is harmful to students
because of disturbing it disturbs concentration as a result of developed technology, from
my personal perspective, it has brought more efficient consequences due to
convenience way to gain information. This essay will outline the pros and cons
of this phenomenon.<(글쓴이의 질문에 대한 주장이 clear하지 않습니다)
To begin with, the students who study through digital
equipment could have disturbance with less concentration. There is an
inevitable factor that the technological technologized equipment has the other functions such
as games, the internet, or entertaining programs. Without the guidance of parents or teachers, students can lose focus in studying. lead by their parent
or teachers, the students can be out of control themselves. These problems are becoming an issue on the news that displays with children’s addiction. In this regard, it is obvious that
the technology developing has negative influences on having concentration. (Bad cohesion/ need better transition)
Furthermore, the modern technology helps
students to study more efficiently by searching information whatever they need
in a much easier way compared comparing to the past. In contemporary society, the
smartphone, especially, has diverse ways for students to study by themselves
through the dictionary, searching on the internet, and using educational apps. A
research conducted by University of Toronto has shown that the more than 85% of
the students who have has their own smartphone responded that they use it to gain
specific information or improve the qualities of the academic educational results. The
main reason to use the materials like smartphones and laptops are is because they are portable to
carry on everywhere. Given the above, the technology offers a chance to be
educated more easily easier way.
In conclusion, with aforementioned reasons,
while there are some opinions to argue that the modern technology affects
educational qualities, my own view is that the advanced system provides much
more beneficial opportunities with convenience. <(affect를 한다고 해서 부정적인것이 아닙니다.)
Score: 5 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 쓰시는 표현이나 단어형태가 어색하거나 틀리게 사용하시고 계십니다. the 가 필요 없는 부분에서 자주 등장을 합니다. 조금 더 표현 공부를 하시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 문장 구상에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 내용정리와 글 정리가 조금 필요하기도 합니다. 또한 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지 않습니다. 물론 글쓴이는 장점이 더 많다 라고 하고 계시지만 질문은 장점이 더 많은지 대한 내용이 아니라 이러한 기술을 교육에 도입함으로서 긍정적인 영향이 있는지에 대해 찬성을 하는지 물어보고 있습니다. 조금 더 clear하게 글쓴이의 주장을 state해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.수고 하셨습니다.
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