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There are several advantages and disadvantages for working in the same position <(little unclear. 포지션은 직업 외에 자리,위치라는 의미도 담고 있기 때문에 이 표현으로 에세이를 여시면 조금 헷갈리게 들립니다. 주로 일과 관련되는 단어로 쓸때는 position at work, position in the company 처럼 어디의 position인지 clarify합니다) . People could become an expert in that field by working persistently in the same job while it could limit their capacity to work in collaboration with other fields. (Need better transition) The work at the same position would be beneficial for the individuals, companies and society. People would have accumulated their confidence from achieving the same tasks consistently. Having the high quality of tasks, which can be achieved by the persistence of low error rates, would be resulting in becoming an expert. This also is a benefit for the company's perspective as there will be no risks. Companies would have a high expectancy with the quality of work because workers have been producing the same quality over the period. Therefore, since every employees have a certain task to do on a daily basis, the public will become more uniformed.
In contrast, employees, employers and society would be benefited by encouraging employees to work in different positions. Society is changing into a conglomerate state where different parts of fields are combined. A creation of new position is the ramifications for the practical conglomeration. Managerial accountants and sports engineers are the recent occupations where two different fields have been merged. <(benefits working in different positions과는 연관성이 크게 없어 보입니다) Furthermore, employees would have an opportunity to find their talents by working in other fields. Meanwhile society and companies have a benefit from the people working in multiple areas. That is, this will create new opportunities from the huge competition for the limited positions availability. <(한번에 여러 회사/부서에 일하는게 아니라 살면서 직업 자체를 바꾸거나 회사를 바꾸는 것에 대한 질문입니다. multiple areas는 한번에 여러 부서에서 일하는 것처럼 들리는 표현입니다. 또한 different positions에서는 일하는/일했던 직원으로부터 benefit를 하는 것 보다 왜 사람은 살면서 한 직업에서만 계속 일하면 안되는지에 대해 서술을 해주셨어야합니다.)
In conclusion, people who can do other jobs as well as their own fields would be advantageous not only for themselves but for a corporation and society as well.
Score: 5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. <doing the same job is beneficial for the individual, company and society. >에 대해서는 잘 서술해주셨지만 <Some people say that no-one should do the same job forever>에 대해서는 잘 서술해주시지 않았습니다. 오히려 여러 position/job에서 일했던/일하는 사람으로 부터 어떻게 회사나 사회가 benefit하는지 에 focus를 해서 서술해주셨습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes 외에는 잘 써주셨습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |