▶ Your Answer : The line graph shows the average carbon dioxide(CO2) emissions per person between 1967-2007. <(where? country인지 전세계적인 정보인지 specify해주시면 좋습니다.) To begin with, CO2 emissions have increased in three countries except United Kingdom until 1978. Sweden has the a highest riching<(?) angle rate in 1978, which reached to about 10.5 tonnes. <내용 연결이 잘 안됩니다)> While the other three countries are increasing, United Kingdom only maintained 11 tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions for a year between 1967 and 1978. Then for nine years until 1987, CO2 emissions for both countries, Sweden and United Kingdom, have decreased dramatically. By contrast CO2 emissions for Italy and Portugal have increased sharply. And until 1997, Italy and Portugal shows an the increasing rate while Sweden and United Kingdom shows a decreasing rate. Moreover, two countries, Italy and Portugal, maintained and still increased, respectively until 2007. By contrast, United Kingdom and Sweden still decreased. In conclusion, CO2 emissions for Sweden had the most fluctuated rate for 20 years between 1967 and 1987, comparing with the other three countries. <(이 내용은 conclusion 보다는 overall 내용으로 본격적으로 정보를 전달해주시기 전에 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 내용 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. 내용 grouping을 하셔서 paragraphing을 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 쓰시고 coherence에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |