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In modern society, there are many people who cannot find their jobs even if they are well-qualified. In the following essay, I will outline the causes of the unemployment of high quality people, as well as present potential solutions. <(I will outline about... 보다는 그 cause/solution자체가 무엇인지 간략하게 소개를 해주시면 더 좋습니다)
Despite their abilities, people who are looking for jobs are faced with unemployment. people who find jobs have faced with unemployment. This is because many jobs that have been processed by humans have been being replaced by machines. Due to the development of technology, machines nowadays can have abilities to occupy their places in many industrial areas. Especially in the labor market, most of companies have chosen to do out-sourcing that uses machines. The reason is that machines not only have has not only abilities to achieve proper process but also cheaper expenses than hiring humans.
To solve this problem, companies should invest on to knowledge-based industry. Although machines are largely developed, there are still many things that only humans can do. For example, when companies make marketing strategies, they need to humans who can sympathy<(sympathy는 명사입니다 )with their customers. Even if there are programs that can calculate consumers' interests, they are inadequate to companies yet. Highly qualified graduates could be suitable for these areas. Therefore, there needs to companies' efforts to overcome unemployment problem that well-qualified graduates are suffering.
To sum up, despite usefulness of machines, companies should concern about industrial areas that could be done by only humans. By this concerning, there may be a decrease in unemployment of high qualified graduates. there is no highly qualified graduates who remain uselessly anymore. Also, our society will become efficiently as we can use human resource usefully.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용이 조금 insufficient합니다. Factors 이기 때문에 2개이상의 이유를 주셔야합니다. 문법상 단어 형태에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현/단어를 쓰시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |