▶ Your Answer : Development of electric products such as television or refrigerators and personal vehicles have has changed people's life to be more convenient. These days, people would like to have those products. In my view, it is worth to make an effort to obtain these convenient products as well. <(가치가 있다라기 보다는 장점이 더 많다 아니면 장점이 단점을 outweigh한다 아니면 장점이 많기 때문에 가치가 있다 라고 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
Above all, development of cars makes it possible for people to can go everywhere they want faster without walking and ultimately, people can save their time by using their own cars. Secondly, not only information can be obtained from watching TV but people can also shop through TV home shopping channels. it is not only human can be provided plenty of information from TV just watching it but also they can order and shop though TV homeshopping channel. Lastly, people do not necessarily have to go grocery shopping everyday since we can store food and keep it fresh by using fridges. For example, we can also enjoy cold water and ice in the summer because of fridges.
In contrast, using own vehicles causes lack of exercises, because people got used to convenience too much so that they tend to use cars even for very short distances. In addition, cars are the main reason of air pollution. Likewise, watching TV makes people keep watching it without doing anything nothing and it is harmful for health physically and mentally. Occasionally, TV wastes is wasting our time. Finally, we have to spend electricity 24/7 to keep the refrigerators running for keeping fridge on working. Moreover, people sometimes overspend their money for grocery shopping due to belief that fridges always keep our food fresh and safe. <(느낌을 이러한 단점이 있다~ 라기 보다는 단점도 있긴 있다 라고 해주시면 더 좋을 실 것 같습니다)
There exists still exists some disadvantages of developing these of those products. However, we cannot live without cars, TVs and fridges as we already got used to enjoying convenient life. Also, we can overcome the disadvantages such as lack of exercises, pollutions and overspending for grocery shopping by changing our lifestyle. Therefore, I can conclude that there are more advantages of such a development than disadvantages.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 문법상 문장구조에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 어순에 틀리시거나 단어 형태에 틀리시고 계십니다. 글 정리도 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 거 같습니다. 예를 들어 body 문단에 central한 topic sentence를 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 두 번째/세 번째 문단의 경우 차에 대해서는 이러한 장담전이 있다를 topic sentence으로 해주셨기 때문에 문단 전체 내용이 이 주제를 cover할 것 처럼 들립니다. 하지만 단순히 장담전을 listing을 해주셨기 때문에 이러한 기기들에게는 장/단점이 있다 라고 topic sentence을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |