▶ Your Answer :
It is not deniable that as the society
developed, our lives have been more convenient, thanks to commercial goods. It
is understandable that there is a are growing numbers of people who are seeking for
more goods that enable lives to be comfortable. Nonetheless, it<(what is it?) cannot ignore the
fact that the incremental demand for those commercial goods has affected our
society, especially in environment, in a negative way. <(질문에 대한 답이 조금 unclear합니다)
Each individual commercial goods have
improved our society to have more comfortable lifestyles. In particular, Especially cars have
reduced commute time significantly and further it has further provided the capacity to
have relaxation by travelling. Other commercial goods, typically TVs and fridges, have helped our society to enjoy a better life by the provision of
entertainment, relationships and living healthily. TVs give the opportunity to
bond with family or friends by sharing ideas sitting in front of it together. By
simply watching TVs together, the mere conversational topic rises, which gives
the opportunity for conversations, to result in bonding with each other. Fridges
have enabled our lifestyles to be healthier and have improved our cooking culture.
We can store all types of food in the fridge for a long term and can enjoy
fresh food from the fridge.
Despite that all these goods have improved our
lifestyles, each commercial goods has its side effects. For cars, it has have
damaged the environment by releasing fossil fuels gases. The more cars we have, the more it contaminates our environment. This logic applies the same for TV and fridges, as
those two goods would damage the environment by the energy consumption. The
world becomes over illuminated, mainly due to the development of light systems
and power supplies resulting over lighting on the streets to every buildings in
the city all night long. This non-darkness has affected the natural ecosystem.
Furthermore, the incremental of light usage increases the temperature of the
globe resulting in of global warming.
In conclusion, despite all the convenience
for such a commercial goods, the damaging of the environmental aspects is
hugely affected our society. Therefore, I am convinced that this development
has a negative dark impact to our society.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지는 않습니다. 단점이 장점보다 더 많다 아니며 더 중요하다 아니면 outweigh 한다고 주장을 state하시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 장점도 있지만 단점도 무시할수 없다는 질문을 clearly합해주지는 않습니다. 그 외에는 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시고 내용을 조금 더 summarize해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 전치사/표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 또한 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |