▶ Your Answer : It is easy to spot some people mentioning
that education should be freely available to everybody without their
circumstances because education is the backbone of any successful country. Some
argue that education should be excluded from any free services, and that the amount of tution paid should be determined by personal wealth. it has to
be determined whether tuition about paying partly or whole depends on personal wealth. I,
however, disagree with this contention that education has to be free in accordance
with wealth of people, as it has positive impacts towards people such as the
entire society benefits. <(글쓴이의 주장이 조금 unclear 하게 들립니다)
It is true that education is largely
considered as a fundamental right. <Need better coherence> A population unable to calculate, write, read
or even learn would be doomed in a competitive global economy. Globalization
has increased competitively and shifted the emphasis to knowledge, information and
science. A state education should, therefore, be freely available to everybody.
However, if people wish to pay for purchase private education, this should also be allowed
or even encouraged.
In addition, education must undoubtedly be
available to all because the entire nation is paying taxes, and, therefore,
should not be excluded from any services. Take the education service in the Australia, for instance,. This country provides free education for the entire population and no private education is needed, thus many young Australians can study whatever they want without any disturbance such as insufficient money do not study because they do not have lot enough money. No one can be judged about their people's background whether they
study or not because many people want to be successful in their lives <(little unclear) , so then they need to be educated by have a proper education since they were at a very early age.
To conclude, I believe that education is a are
basic fundamental rights, necessary for any advanced society, and therefore,
education should be free for everybody to gain the insight of knowledge or
information.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장이 조금 unclear하게 들립니다. Wealth에 따라 education이 free해야 한다는 것이 사람들한테 positive impact가 있기 때문에 이것을 disagree 하신다는게 어색하게 들립니다. 내용상 전체적으로 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 run on sentence에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 표현/collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |