▶ Your Answer :
Dealing money with friends will always
damage the friendships. Due to the emotion and experiences, people would have a
difficulty to observe their friends clearly. This essay will provide the supporting
for my argument. Because people had shared many memories and
experiences together with their friends, they will be emotional when friends
are in financial difficulties. People would solve friend's problem by being worked up. The problem for this is, people would
lend their money to friends without solving the root of their friend's
financial problems. <(이 내용이 어떻게 친구 관계를 망가트리나요?) However, many of those friends usually
would have a problem with their spending habits and some might even have a bad
credit rating. Therefore, this is not solving the problem by giving out the
money to friends does not solve their financial issue, but instead that would harm the friendships.<(how or why?) If they had seen their
friends clearly without getting emotional, they would not be lending their
money to friends. This means that, their friendships would not be damaged. The fact that they knew each other for a
long time, means people would be spontaneously provide money to their friends. By
having a unconditional trust within their friendships, the people may not be able to see the consequences,
even if that could mean the failure in repayments. Therefore, the failure in
repayments can harm the friendships. <(이 내용에 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, dealing the money with
friends can have several damages to the relationships. Since the friendships
are based on trusts, money being dealt incorrectly the wrong money dealing can damage the friendships easily.
Money trading with friends can be risky because people make emotional
decisions. <(Need better coherence)
Score: 5 Comment: 질문을 support/답해주는 내용이 insufficient합니다. 두 번째 문단에서는 어떻게 사람이 친구한테 돈을 빌려주게 되는지 그리고 그 문제는 무엇인지 서술을 해주셨지만 왜 친구한테 돈을 빌리면 친구 관계에 문제가 생기는지를 서술해주시지 않았습니다. 세 번째 문단에서는 친구 한테 돈을 빌려주면 친구 관계와 깨진다/망가진다 라고 해주셨지만 그 이유를 주시지는 않았습니다. 네 번째 문단에서는 돈을 갚는 것에 문제가 생기면 친구관계에도 문제가 생긴다고 해주셨지만 이에 대한 focus를 보다는 친구와 친구 사이에 믿이 강하기 때문에 돈을 계속 빌려주게 된다에 가있습니다. 조금 더 focus를 왜 돈을 빌려주게 되는지 보다는 왜 돈을 빌려주는게 친구관계를 망가트리는지에 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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