▶ Your Answer :
It is true that there are many things such
as cleaning, washing and repairing something to be done in the house. While some
people argue that children should do housework to help their parents, I disagree
with the idea that children should be assigned these tasks at home.
(Need better transition)
To begin with, there are some benefits for
children doing household chores. First of all, as they help their parents,
children can learn basic skills that deal with small problems which can often
occur in the house. Many small jobs like changing bulbs could unnecessarily cost money be charged by
hiring professional worker unless we treat them by ourselves that is actually
very simple task. Moreover, it can help for children to have respect of their
parents. Young children usually have no idea how demanding and tiring much household chores are demanding
and tiring jobs because they are less involved with these kinds of work at
home. Lastly, it is also obvious that parents’ burden will be reduced by their
aid.
On the other hand, this argument is opposed
by others who think that is a waste of time. They argue that helping household
chores may steal student’s study time. Young children bring homework from
school every day and should revise what they studied day to day. Furthermore,
studying is also a demanding job to children because they have to memorize equations
and prepare constant exams in each semester. In addition, someday they will do
these jobs when they set a their own family in the future. Thus, this kind of
jobs may not be helpful for young children to devote their effort to the study. <(글쓴이의 의견 처럼 들리지 않습니다. 그렇기 때문에 글쓴이의 주장도 헷갈리게 들립니다)
In conclusion, there are convincing
arguments for and against children’s help at home, but I disagree with this idea
because I believe that children should concentrate more on their studies.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장을 묻고 있기 때문에 글쓴이의 주장을 다른 사람의 의견/관점으로 서술을 해주시면 좋지 않습니다. 또한 글쓴이의 의견을 묻고 있는 질문에 다른 사람의 의견을/관점을 서술해주시면 discussion 처러 들릴 수 있습니다. 문법상 글쓰시는데에 는 크게 문제가 없어 보이십니다. 다만 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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