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This diagrams shows how to can apples go throw consumers, they explained how they make can apple.
First, is shows picking apples are picked by hands, and it is then they are moved into the by large truck for transportation. Next, When apple arrived, the machines washed and checked for good apples. Then they pick out poor quality apples, this poor apples are rejected.
The good apples are put into cold storage. When they are it is ready, for they are weighted and graded. The grading guarantees that the apples must size is similar.<(그림을 통해 알수 있는 정보가 아닌 것 같습니다.) After this, apples are peeled and they need to remove the apples' seeds are removed. In sequence, apples need to be sliced before being placed for same size put into the cans. Then syrup is added to the cans and after being sealed, they are cooked and sterilized in hot water. They added syrup. They put into bottles for sealing and disinfect.
When the cans are cool, they are labeled and stored. they stick labels front of bottles, and they store at the storage. Finally, the cans are ready for sale to customers.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 누군가 무엇을 하는 다이그램이 아닌 어떻게 apples가 canned되는 과정을 보여주기 때문에 they 를 agent로 쓰시는 것 보다는 apple를 experiencer로 써주시는게 더 좋습니다. 또한 그림을 통해 알수없는 내용을 전달해주시지 않는게 좋습니다. 예를 들어 grow consumers, poor apples are rejected, grading guarantees same size of apples은 그림을 통해 정확히 알 수는 없습니다. 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 너무 많습니다. 기초 문법에서 부터 틀리시는 것 같습니다. 또한 내용의 coherence에 좋지 않기 때문에 연결성이 떨어집니다. 문법/문장구조에 조금 더 연습을 해주시고 coherence에도 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 tone에도 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |