▶ Your Answer :
Many people can learn about traditions and culture from diverse
ways such as the internet and mass media. However, a museum is one of the places where that
people actually experience real things, and also, it provides many there provide lots of exhibitions
such as historical relics and scientific developments. Therefore, museums have a are
very important role in an education. Thus, I personally think that they there should
charge for entrance fees to from visitors because it not only would make profits, but
also protect precious relics in the museums. <(내용과 글쓴이의 주장이 admission fees를 charge 해야하나 한해야하나 를 답해주시는 것 같습니다. 질문은 entrance fees를 내는 장점이 단점 보다 더 많은지 또 significant한지 물어보고 있습니다)
First of all, historical remains are likely to be wreaked by
external force. If museums do not charge admissions when people visit there,
visitors do not feel preciously about relics. Therefore, they might want to
touch the remains, but it can be broken by them. If visitors are obliged to have a fee an
admission for entrance, they would think that historical remains should be
remained for descendants. Consequently, people will know why they have to pay
for entering museums. This regulation not only prevents possible incidents to
break remains, but also change visitors' thinking about importance of museums.
In addition, museum can improve facilities by charging
entrance fees to from visitors. This is because a government has have limited budgets to
subsidize into museums, thus museums should have an ability to operate for
self-supporting. <Need better coherence> This is the most important way to bring more visitors into museums
because museums can enhance amenities for people. Consequently, visitors will be satisfied by convenience, and they willingly pay for visiting to museums. For
example, a national science museum in Daejeon, South Korea, they increased an their entrance fee last year. However, there were many a lot of improvements such as technical
equipment, and also many exhibitions and performances were newly launched. Therefore,
people are more likely to go to museums than stay homes.
In conclusion, I think that museums should charge admission
for entrance because it not only protects historical remains, but also improves facilities in museums. In this regard, I think that the advantages would be
more than that disadvantages.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 장점들을 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 Introduction에서는 advantages outweigh disadvantages 질문이 아닌 should we charge for admission and if so why 라는 질문을 답해주신 것 같습니다. Profit이나 protection of relics때문에 admission fee가 있어야 한다 보다는 이 둘 같은 장점 처럼 장점이 단점 보다 더 많기 때문에 또는 significant하기 때문에 admission fees를 charge하는게 더 좋다 라고 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 전치사 활용/collocation/수동태-능동태/subject-verb agreement/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 formal essay 이기 때문에 a lot of 같은 표현은 안써주시는게 좋습니다. A lot of/lots of는Informal한 표현입니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |