▶ Your Answer : The given pie charts illustrates the
measurement of energy used by an Australian household at house and the proportion of gas
emissions from the energy use. for generates the energy from greenhouse
in brief, the most striking point is that an average Australian household uses the most energy for about heating at home. also, the water heating accounts
for the highest causes of greenhouse gas emission energy use at house and greenhouse of Australian.
in more detail, there is are both have a
similar patterns between house and greenhouse gas emission of Australian as water heating
and other appliances were placed at the top rank for using energy.<(unclear) at first, water
heating was possessed with 30 percent at home and it was also emitted used with 32
percent at greenhouse gas. In addition, by used other appliances, Australian wasted used 15 percent of their energy, compared to the greenhouse gas emission with 28 percent.
on top of this, refrigeration wasted used the
energy with 7 percent of the energy at from home, but the amount of gas emission energy spend was doubled halved up to
14 percent at greenhouse. <Need better cohesion> as well as, energy was used most for heating was spend the most by Australian
with 42 percent, while there was that way less used at greenhouse with 15 percent gas emission. besides, the rest of sources have been group together as other, both taking up
to under 9 percent.<(unclear)
Score: 4.5 Comment: 그래프를 잘 이해 못하신 것 같습니다. greenhouse는 특정한 집이 아니라 온실 입니다. Greenhouse gas emission은 온실 가스 배출입니다, 특히 이산화탄소 배출입니다 그렇기 때문에 greenhouse에서 #% spent라는 표현은 어울리지 않습니다. 그 만큼 배출이 되었다고 해주셨어야합니다. 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 많습니다. 글안에 따로 표시는 안했지만 모든 문장을 대문자로 시작을 해주시지 않았습니다. 기초 문법은 지켜주시기 바랍니다. 또한 표현이 많이 어색하고 많이 틀리시고 계십니다. 그렇기 때문에 clarity도 많이 떨어집니다. 문법과 표현 공부를 조금 더 하시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 organization/grouping에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 어떤 방식이나 order로 내용을 전달해주시는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |