▶ Your Answer :
It
is unrealistic for people to work at the same company for their entire lives.>> 주제인가요 아니면 에세이 쓰신건가요? 쓰신거라면 한 줄을 위해 문단을 나누는 것도 좋지 않고 서론이 와야하는 첫 문단을 이렇게 나누시면 안 됩니다
There
are some people who think that individuals fundamentally work for the same jobs
in their whole lives. However, in my opinion, with a variety of shifts in a
society, it has changed to not possible>>impossibly to 다음 형용사만 나올 순 없습니다 to stick on a job for a long time. This
is because respective jobs no longer exist permanently. Indeed, people live
longer time >> live longer에서 충분히 오래산다는 의미를 내포하고 있습니다 than in the past, so that, naturally, >> so that 앞에 콤마와 중간에 부사가 있다면 콤마로 앞뒤를 표시해줘야 합니다 people are likely to find
another job after regular retirement in order to earn a living >> earn money 혹은 생계를 유지한다는 maintain a living 등이 좋을 듯 싶습니다.
To
begin with, being a fast-paced society, people are required to find another job
because ample of >> 형용사인 ample 이며 of가 같이 쓰이지 않습니다 various 가 좋겠습니다 jobs they used to do would be no longer available or not
attractive. From my personal experience, I used to work as a designer and have
10 years experience >> for 10 years 가 좋겠네요. However, nowadays, >> 제대로 된 절의 시작 전 부사 뒤에 콤마 넣어주세요 I try to change my job to a buying MD >> 축약을 하지 말아주세요.
This is because, following an>> aspect 은 가산명사이므로 관사나 복수형으로 만들어주시길 바랍니다 economic aspect, people do not want to pursue >> purchase 가 더욱 적절합니다 too
expensive products to consume. It means that it is better to produce cheaper
products rather than high-quality >> 가운데 - 를 넣어서 product를 꾸며주는 형용사로 바꿔드렸습니다 products as expensive >> as가 ~이므로 ~때문에라는 뜻으로 쓰일 땐 접속사로 쓰이므로 완전한 문장이 와야 합니다. A world-wide >> 하나의 단어이므로 가운데 - 빼셔도 됩니다
depression spurs people to change jobs, even though they have lots of
experience of previous jobs. This experience shows that it is not impossible >> not이란 부정과 im~등의 이중 부정은 틀린 표현으로 봅니다 to
keep one job in one's lives >> one은 단수를 지칭하며 복수는 ones가 되며 복수형의 소유격 형태는 ones' 가 됩니다 to follow an >> trend를 받는 관사입니다 economic trend.
On
top of that, being an aging society, people are obligated to get >> get동사는 좋지 않습니다 다른 동사로 바꿔주세요 seek 도 좋은 동사가 되겠네요 another job
even after regular retirement, nowadays, people easily >> 부사는 동사 뒤에 들어갑니다 live easily 라고 해주세요 live about 90 years olds
so that they should find a way to earn a living for the rest of time. According
to a research by CNN, a number of people working as a taxi drivers are over 60
years old after previous job's their retirement. They said that even if they are old
enough, 주어가 들어가있지 않습니다 현재 문장에 still should spend money on raising their children and paying for rent >> rent 자체가 임대료라는 뜻이 있습니다
fee. It is not negotiable to stay at home without jobs in order to >> in order to 다음은 동사가 들어와야합니다 more income.
People are no longer able to keep one job getting>> get동사는 좋지 않습니다 plenty of income when they
are old.
To
sum up, people are needed to change their jobs because of the fast movement >> 가운데 - 빼드렸습니다 of
society or early regular retirement. In this regard, I do believe that it is
not feasible for people to work at the same work place in whole lives.
문단마다 예를 통하거나 주장을 통해서 의견을 전달하는 것이 아닌 직접적으로 오래 가지는 것은 불가능하다라는 말이 직접적으로 들어가 자꾸 반복되는 느낌을 줍니다 좀 더 다양한 문장 표현을 해주셨으면 좋을 듯 싶습니다 이러이러해서 직업을 평생동안 가질 수 없다가 아닌 나이에 맞는 적절한 직업이 있어 이직을 하는 것을 권유하는 등의 문장들은 어떨까 싶습니다 위에 표시해드린 부분들 봐주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 7 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammartical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.5 예상합니다
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