▶ Your Answer : First and foremost, >>문두에 부사가 나온다면 콤마를 넣어주시길 바랍니다 teenagers can learn how to be finacially responsible through work. If they don't >> 에세이에선 축약형을 쓰시면 안 됩니다 do not이라고 풀어써주세요 have any work experience. teens will neither recognize >> recognize neither 의 순서로 바꿔주세요 the value of money nor the effort of >> 부모님들의 노력에서 '의'를 차지하는 of 를 넣어주세요 their parents put forth in providing pocket money >> 뭘 제공하는지 명시해줘야 할 듯 싶어 추가했습니다 for them. As young people earn their own money, >> 마침표가 아닌 콤마를 넣어야 합니다 as는 접속사로 단일 문장으론 완벽하게 되지 않습니다 they learn how to save and spend money wisely. I think it is very important for young people to learn how to become more financially independent from their parents. Another benefit from work is that teenagers can learn valuable life lessons about cooperation and team play. In many workplaces. teens must learn how to function as a team in order to work together. For example. one of the most common jobs teens may have is working in >> work in 으로 어디서 일을 하는 지에 대해 표시해줍니다 a fast food restaurant. Each person has different responsibilites they must fulfill, but cooperation is needed for the restaurant to run smoothly and efficently. Teengagers learn the value of getting along with their co-workers and how this translates into a more productive work enviroment. Finally, teenagers can gain much needed work exprience for their future occupations. Even while attending college, students may not get much practical working experience. As a result, many young people are unprepared for careers >> 가산명사에는 a나 복수형을 만들어주시길 바랍니다 realted jobs upon graduation. Though internships, teenagers learn how to work in a professional environment and can make more specific career goals. The greater their work experience in a related field, the more qualified and attractive they will be to future employers In conclusion, teenagers should be encouraged to work a job while still attending school. Working would help teenagers learn how to manage money more resposibly. gain valuable work experience, and develop their social skills. 앞서 쓴 에세이들과 지금 공통적으로 단락이 나뉘어지지 않은 점이 아쉽습니다 서론 본론 결론으로 써주시고 문장이 끝났다고 다음 문장으로 넘기지 말아주세요 문단을 구성하는 것을 보는 것도 채점의 일부분입니다 단복수형 조심해주시구요 전체적인 글이 중복되는 내용을 얘기하며 진행하는 느낌을 받습니다 Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 5.5 예상합니다 서론 본론 결론이 없어 테스크에서 큰 감점이 있었습니다 |