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In the contemporary society, travel industry >> tourism으로 서론에서 제시한 후에 나중에 industry 식으로 가는게 좋겠습니다 is developed throughout the world. Boomed tourism leads to both positive effects and negative effects. Tourism The industry tends to develop economic condition, >> while은 접속사로 콤마로 이어줍니다 while it also affects to the environment. I am going to assert how a country guarantees benefits by tourism.
At first, Governments should consider their nature such as air pollution, animal extinction, water pollution and a deforest phenomenon deforestation. For instance, the >> for instance 등의 말이 문두에 나오면 콤마로 나눠줘야하며 government는 the와 함께 다닙니다 government to encourage to donate or tax at aircraft companies airlines 혹은 airways and travel agencies as well.>> the government encourages companies to donate or pay tax such as airlines, and travel agencies as well. Accordance with a report of According to Green Peace, Greenland can keep their height of ice due to donated money by travel agencies donated to support Greenland’s research and reservation preservation of the environment. Moreover, >> 역시 콤마입니다 a country would better to develop eco-friendly tourism to educate tourists and advocate environmental NGOs. There are nothings is nothing important components for our lives without our nature. Thus, the government should struggle to improve those ways as I above mentioned suggestions above.
Secondly, a country has to make an effort to reserve conserve their traditional culture, even though, today, it is called International society. It is a good ways to keep a country’s typical culture by appointing traditional districts in the several cities. According to a Mashall, the head officer of UNESCO, says that only countries, which offer traditional experiences to travelers, can improve travel industries for a long while time >> for a while 자체가 잠시동안이라는 한계가 있는 말입니다. Indeed, Butan is one of the most attractive countries for explorers. The popular country encourages to public to wear traditional clothes and build traditional styles of building.
To sum up, tourism effect on pros and cons side as well has effects on both good and bad sides.. There are some solutions to make benefits in countries when they concentrate on protecting the environments and traditions. I believe that, those ways can improve travel industries as I above mentioned.
연결을 어떻게 매끄럽게 할 수있을지 모르겠습니다.
그리고 결론 부분 구성 조언 좀 부탁드리겠습니다. ------------------------------------ 아래 글에 말씀드렸던 듯 결론은 본인의 생각을 총정리하는 곳입니다 결론을 제대로 구성 못한다는 것은 곧 본인의 글을 제대로 파악하지 못한다는 말입니다 글의 내용이 오프토픽으로 보여집니다 글의 주제는 여행산업이 나라에 좋은 영향을 미치냐 나쁜 영향을 미치냐인데 반해 부탄의 예는 적절치 않으며 유네스코의 예도 자세한 내용은 없이 그저 산업을 증가시킨단 얘기 뿐입니다 어떻게 향상시키는 지에 대한 서술이 필요합니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |