▶ Your Answer :
In the modern society, people
live in very busy life without relaxing. Many people address strongly that modern
people need to take a rest for their health and mind. This essay will discuss
for both views and answer the given question.
On the negative side, If we take an only rest with nothing to do
during the leisure time, there is no reason in a day. >> 어떤 뜻인지 잘 모르겠씁니다 In these busy days, leisure
time is precisely valuable for tired workers. During weekdays, workers spend whole
days at the working area and return their house to go to sleep. On the other
hand, we have to enjoy the lesuire time through the something special. >> something special 한 것들에는 뭐가 있나요?
On the positive side, there are
crucial benefits. Firstly, we can make hobbies when we do something in relaxing
time. We are able to >> able to는 뭔가에 대한 능력 등에 대한 할 수 있다 정도가 어울립니다 could receive stress with hobbies such as reading and sports.
Secondly, we are able to make relationships, if we do enjoy with many people during the
time. In general, there is no contact time >> contact 스펠링 주의해주시구요 face-to-face interaction 도 좋을 듯 싶네요 to each others because of workload.
In this regard, if we play a videogames such as play soccer or puzzles with friendly
people, there will be many relatives who would like to keep in touch with us. In the study,
people who have many friends can live happily life and can live for a long time. >> live for a long time with happiness
In conclusion, I prefer to do
somethings such as puzzles or sports in the leisure time. We will improve
the quality of life and still have great times. >> 여전히 좋은 시간을 보내고 있는건 문맥 상 어울리지 않다고 생각합니다 미래에 대해 말하는게 강한 문맥이라서요
깔끔하게 작성됐네요 약간의 문법적인 실수들을 고쳐주시길 바랍니다 또한 주장에 대한 근거가 충분하지 못하고 궁금증을 낳는 부분들이 있네요 생각해보시면 좋겠습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.0 예상합니다
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