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Nowadays, as a the number of double income families has increased to sustain people’s lives in the competitive society, it is argued by many that both men and women should take part in house chores evenly , the view that both genders have to take evenly part in house chores has stood out . I strongly agree with that men should also be engaged in the housework as women have done it do in traditional families modern families.
To begin with, it is imperative for men and women have to take equal responsibilities on family affairs household work by sharing the housework. >> 왜 남자와 여자들이 균등하게 가사를 분담해야 하는 지에 대한 주장이 나와야하는데 여기선 그저 분담함으로써 균등하게 담당해야 한다 정도로 밖에 언급되지 않았습니다 Traditionally, both genders have had different responsibilities on their families. As for men, he they do >> did 라고 한다면 단순히 과거에 했던 것만 했기에 do 라고 쓰시는게 맞습니다 대신 뒤에 entre가 있기에 do 는 빼주시길 바랍니다 강조로 쓰일 부분이기엔 어색합니다 only enter work force their jobs to earn money to support family, on the other hand, >> on the other hand 는 부사며 두 문장을 이어주는 접속사 역할을 하지 않습니다 . However, as for women, she they do shoulder all responsibilities on household works. Nowadays, with female labourforce participation increasing due to the increase of working females, the role of genders in families has been changed so that males can have more circumstances to are usually be involved in house works than ever before. >> 주장부터 제대로 잡히지 않아 주장 설명 예시의 큰 형태들이 제대로 잡히지 않았습니다
Additionally, men and women can improve work efficiency on family affairs by proper role allocation in house chores allocating properly their household tasks. If a person should do everything for their family, he or she can be easily exhausted and frustrated. Reasonable decisions on who does what about housework tasks division of work can make people to save time and efforts to do that.>> 이 문장이 주장으로 더 적절해보입니다 일의 분담이 시간과 노력을 아낄 수 있다. 일을 각자 정해서 하면 본인의 힘이나 시간을 다른 곳에 투자할 수 있다. 여자가 전처럼 모든 일을 처리하지 않고 남녀가 같이 해서 여가나 취미에 서로 투자할 시간을 늘린다 식으로 문장을 진행시킬 수 있겠네요 (갑자기 생각하느라 내용이 빈약한 점 사과드립니다) For example, the a husband can do washing dishes, at the same time; and the a wife can play with their children. This can contribute to increasing work efficiency in house chores, and >> therefore도 부사입니다 접속사처럼 문장을 연결시키지 않습니다 leading to spend more time with their his or her spouse and children.
In conclusion, it is inevitable that all genders should be engaged in house chores due to the increase of women’s participation in workforce. I believe that if men and women can effectively allocate their roles in at home, they can have more time with family members.
말씀드렸듯 본문에 조금 부족한 부분들이 보입니다 그래도 큰 실수들 없이 잘 진행해 주셨습니다 어느정도 동의 혹은 동의하지 않느냐 라고 하면 어느정도를 나타내야 합니다 그래서 위에 strongly 써드렸습니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |