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If we look around, we will notice that we are surrounded by many technological and scientific circumstances all the times and we are taught that we should respect great scientists such as Albert Einstein , Edison and so on because they contributed to build a better world. However, I think it is time to think about result from scientists who make our lives changed a lot since achievements of them bring us serious problem as well. >> 서론에선 전체 글을 잡아주는 곳입니다 아인슈타인 에디슨 등은 본문에서의 예시같은 것입니다
We all know Albert Einstein is known as scientist who found "Bigbang theory". His theory was very sensational when he took it to the world and people evaluated him as a great scientist ever. But do you know about this?
He was the one who helped making nuclear bomb when the World War 1 happened. Through this fact, I assume that he did not really care about the result of what he had done. he only too concentrated on what he was doing. He helped making not only clear bomb, but also many other kinds of weapon for war. I think if we know about him deeply, we should not respect him although we cannot >> 한 단어입니다 deny his achievement. >> He 는 아인슈타인을 가리키는데 관련있는건데 문단을 이렇게 바꾸시면 안 됩니다
There is another scientist who opened totally different world to us. His name is Steve jobs who made computer and smart phone for the first time and it changed everything around us. We could not imagine to live living withouth computer or smart phone even a single day. However, this magnificent development is bringing us serious social problems such as lack of communication in family or many other crimes related in use of internet. I think Steve jobs would care about how many products they made every year, how much profit he makes or how much people love his idea. I sincerely doubt that he would care about people who are suffering from wave of electricity and would not admit his achievement makes a billions of family not talk each other at home. (나는 그가 전자파로 고통받는 사람들을 케어할지 의문이고, 컴퓨터나 스마트폰으로 인해 가족들 사이의 대화가 끊어졌다는 사실을 인정할지가 의심된다.라고 표현하고 싶은데 영작이 잘안되네요 ㅠㅠ), >> I wonder if he takes care of people suffering from electromagnetic wave, and if he will admit that communication has been severed by computers and smart phones. 정도면 괜찮을 듯 싶네요
To raise scientist who cares about more society and think about how terrific they possibly contribute to the world by their intelligence, we should more educate them about ethic. >> Because는 접속사이기에 주절 뒤에 붙어서 쓰입니다 It is because development of science may affect whole society or whole world. Therefore, they need to be more considerate on the result that might be brought by their achievement.
첨삭 감사합니다.
------------------------------- 현재 첨삭하기에는 좀 무리가 있다고 판단됩니다
다른 분들 글을 참고하시면서 Task2 를 어떻게 진행하는지 보시면 좋겠습니다
서론에는 글의 방향을 잡아주는 곳이라 If 같은 가정법이 절대 쓰이지 않습니다
또한 처음부터 예시가 나오지도 않을 뿐더러 예시가 아닌 곳에서 we 라는 것은 쓰이지 않고
보통 people 등의 객관적인 시점에서 작성이 됩니다 논리와 글의 흐름 등을 많이 보는 아이엘츠에선
이런 식으로 작성이 된다면 큰 감점들이 예상됩니다 각 문단의 첫 시작에서 한 칸 들여쓰는 것도 문법의 일종이라 봐서 현재 문법에서 그 부분만 4개가 틀렸다고 카운팅됩니다
Task1 부터 써보시길 바랍니다
우선 채점은 해드리자면
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
대략 점수는 5.0 정도로 예상합니다
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