▶ Your Answer : In many places today, a lot of arguments are emerged owing to the matter of constructing factories. Most people want to avoid such factories in their yard even though it has a certain value.>> so what's your opinion ?
To begin with, the most significant advantage of having a factory in one's a territory could be the robust accelerate the economic development. Firstly, a factory requires the ocean of workforce jobs that >> the factory requires plenty of workers, which results in the increase of employment rate in the community. Moreover, the higher average income attendant on raising employment encourage more expenditure revitalizing money circulation in the market, and more saving and investments. As a result, members of the community could be alleviated from the prevailing concern of unemployment, and expect the sensible improvement of regional economy as a whole. >> firstly 로 다시 주장이 나오는 듯 싶어 고쳐드렸는데 다시 moreover 해서 주장이 나오네요 주장이 있다면 설명 예시가 있어야 합니다 주장에 대한 설명이 없다면 주장이 뭘 의미하는지 어떤걸 정확히 짚어내는지 모르고 예시가 적절히 가미가 되지 않는다면 어떤 경우에 그런 주장과 주장에 대한 설명이 적용되는지 등에 대한 내용을 모르게 됩니다 논리 전개 자체가 막혀버립니다
On the other hand, there is a flip side; environment issues. The conventional form of factories always >> always 같은 빈도부사는 조동사 be 동사 뒤 일반동사 앞에 위치합니다 has always caused cruel environmental problems. Using the analogy, it can be projected that in several years to come , the rate of morbidity of respiratory disease would be surged due to harmful gas emission from the factories, and toxic substances produced by industrial progress would ruin the streams and soil near from the factories. >> For instance, ~~~
In my judgement conclusion, I would like to object to constructing a factory in my town. I admit that it could bring immense financial benefits to our community immense financial benefit. Looking at the bigger picture, however, since damaged nature cannot be recovered in one or two years and , it would affect us for ages in insufferable ways. To respect that other measures for the economic development abound out there, we should choose a long-lasting value rather than a short-term interest.>> 결론 부분에서 글의 정리가 제대로 되지 않았네요 explain your position 이란 말 때문에 여기에 이렇게 작성하신건가요? 그건 본문에서 예를 본인의 생각으로 들면 됩니다 혹은 본론 자체를 본인의 경험을 토대로 구성해서 작성해나가시면 되구요 글을 정리하는 결론에서 오히려 주장과 의문만 낳았습니다
아직 논리 전개에 미숙한 면이 보입니다 좀 더 신경써주시길 바라구요 다양한 어휘가 필요합니다 factory 는 처음부터 끝까지 factory 라고 됐네요 plant 나 industrial units 등 동의어 유의어가 하나도 사용되지 않았네요
문장 구조도 좀 더 다양하게 if 절들도 써주시구요 본인 주장이 결론에 가서야 드러났네요 좋은지 나쁜지 하나만 선택해서 서술해주세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다
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