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Convenience Instant foods have changed dietary life habits of the modern society and the popularity of those foods has grown ever-larger >> 지워줘도 되는 문장입니다. Some people argue that convenience those foods will consequentially take replace consequentially the place of traditional foods. However, in my view, traditional foods will continue to be valued in the future as there are more important factors than convenience in the food life foodway.
To begin with, growing concerns about health will lead people to seek healthier foods made of fresh and safe ingredients rather than convenience foods. It is common for the food industry to use cheaper ingredients such as GMOs genetically modified organism and chemical seasonings to break even>> 단어는 경영 용어로 좋았지만 break even 은 손익분기점 정도의 의미입니다 싼 가격에 재료를 공급하는 이유는 profits 를 창출하기 위함이죠 to make profits. Even though question of whether GMO foods and compound chemical condiments are safe is still open, consumers have been exposed to the potential risks. Some enthusiasts may argue that convenience foods can be as healthy as homemade >> 붙여써주세요 meal. However, it has been often reported from the media that numerous food manufacturers are using inappropriate ingredients >> 예시가 나오면 좋을 곳에 이상한 흐름의 문장이 나왔네요 for example, 하고 well-being을 위해 뭘 한다라고 충분히 쉬운 예시를 들을 수 있습니다. Therefore, more people will hesitate to consume convenience foods in the future.
Furthermore, food has been playing a greater part vital role for both individuals and communities in the modern society and this has drawn more attention to traditional foods and recipes.>> 음식은 개인과 사회에게 모두 중요한 역할을 해오고 있고 이건 전통 음식과 레시피에 더 많은 관심을 기울이게 해왔다 question을 읽고 이 주장을 읽어보시면 왜 이게 적절한 문장이 아닐지 알 듯 싶습니다 문제에서 원하는 바를 담지 못했습니다 어떤 role인지 쓰시고 설명에는 이 role 이 사람들의 관심을 끌고 등등 펼쳐나가는게 더욱 좋을 듯 싶습니다 Modern people do not take food to simply fill simply their stomach but utilize dining and cooking time for diverse purposes.>> 현대 사람들이 cooking에 시간을 쓴다는 것은 대중적으로 인정되는 생각인지 잘 모르겠습니다 본인의 생각을 쓰되 정확하거나 통상적으로 인정될 근거가 없는 말들은 쓰지 않는게 좋습니다 For instance, making homemade bread or meal with new recipes from the Internet >> Internet 대문자 I 입니다 became a hobby for a large number of people. Also >> 문두에 also so and or but 은 달지 않습니다, a dining culture is still the major means for socializing and traditional cuisines are normally served for dinner gatherings. Thus, although convenience foods are expected to be steadily consumed by busy people, considerable populations will spend more time on cooking and eating traditional foods. >> also 같은 경우 문두에 쓰지도 않지만 의미 자체 또한 다른 의견을 제시하는 것입니다 그래서 중간에 나오는건 좋지 않습니다
To conclude, it seems clear that traditional foods are going to coexist with convenience foods in the these days to come and to >> 그냥 continue 로 나온다면 traditional foods에 걸린다고 볼 수도 있기에 to 를 표시해주세요~ continue to be loved by all generations. As food has been closely connected to people's lives, it cannot be replaced by a particular type of product a diet.
위에 조언드린 부분들 참고해주시면서 우선 어휘력을 좀 더 길러주시길 바랍니다 현재 같은 어휘들이 너무 많이 쓰이고 대명사로 받아줄 수 있는 부분은 최대한 받아주시면 좋겠습니다 다른 동사나 그런 부분의 어휘는 괜찮았지만 명사에서 약한 모습이 보였습니다 글이 331자라 좀 70자 가량 줄여주시는게 좋을 듯 싶습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |