▶ Your Answer :
More and more sports and media stars starts are becoming a loved beings by youngsters recently. Regarding this phenomenon, some assert that this is positive,. However, I am of the opinion that this phenomenon has more negative aspects (이 자리에 그 aspects가 무엇인지 간다하게 소개해주시면 좋습니다)>as we weill discuss below.
Those who support that this phenomenon is positive insist that youngsters could be influenced in a positive way with the bright energy of the sports and media stars. In the media, especially, sports stars especially show that they endured many hardships and made enormous efforts for their goals, and this could lead to a proper notion of a relationship between efforts and achievement for the youngsters. Furthermore, some of the stars starts do volunteer activities and donations for the unfortunate neighbours in society, motivating young people to be more thoughtful for the neighbours.<(다른 사람의 의견 보다는 글쓴이의 의견인 것 처럼 써주시는게 좋습니다. 다른 사람의 의견/반대의견을 쓰시면 그 내용을 반박을 해주셔야합니다. fully disagree를 하시는 것이면 body 는 두 문단 다 negative aspects에 대해 서술해주시면 됩니다. )
However, to say that this phenomenon is positive is to overlook a range of indecorous cases. Some of the stars are involved in various crimes criminals such as drinking and driving and drugs. In the time of puberty, youngsters could easily mimic the behaviors done by those who they admire, so that this can leads youngsters to commit delinquency and more serious crimes. Secondly, the youngster's future careers can also narrow down into merely the sports or media jobs. For a healthy and competitive society, the other professional positions are also needed such as scientists, politicians and engineers. However, young people have tend to prefer to be a similar person as the stars due to their love and respect towards the stars. <(마무리가 잘 안된 문단입니다)
In conclusion, this trend has some positive aspects, however I believe that this brings more negative effects to society and youngsters with the possibility of mimicking criminals and narrowing youngster's future careers.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 글쓴이는 positive하기도 하지만 negative한게 더 많다고 생각하시면 introduction thesis statement에 그렇다고 써주셔야합니다. 예를 들어 However, I am of the opinion that this phenomenon has more negative aspects 보다는. Although this phenomenon can be positive, it has more negative aspects. 이렇게 써주시면 positive/negative development에 대해서 둘다 써주실수 있습니다. 대신에 다른 사람의 의견이 아닌 글쓴이의의견/관점 으로 서술해주셔야합니다. 문법상 단어 형태에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |