▶ Your Answer :
The financial resources in
universities are scarce. Therefore, it is important that money/budget is spent should
spend wisely. Choosing a relevant course <(what
do you mean by course?) and spending wisely would be the main enlightment <enlightment라는 단어는 없습니다) by universities. <내용 연결이 잘 안됩니다> However, the word, 'relevant', 'useful', 'only
scientific research' are having the difficulty in its meaning. <내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다> My perspective on this issue is that the
government should sponsor all postgraduate researches. The money in universities is, for
sure, is limited. Many universities have a discretionary fund, but
demand is rising and the payouts are increasingly limited. It could be
difficult to provide all necessary supports to postgraduate subjects. If it is
not funded, students would be burdened by to
their daily lifestyles because of fixed expenses including the living costs and
tuition fees The universities' participation in
postgraduate research would be considered as an investment than a "sunk cost". This
had been confirmed by many research papers which
had been written in the way to see the current status of society. The For example, one of research papers on the financial <(financial
what?) pointed out the loopholes in the legislation on the arbitrage on
currency, can be seen as an example. Not until the research paper had
published, The governments have not focused on enlightened its loopholes in the financial laws until
the research paper had been published. Even though financial supports
from the government are lacking, this patronage can be seen as an investment
for both parties. (Need to use transition) If universities decided to
provide the financial support to scientific research only for its
usefulness, the definition on scientific research and the usefulness is
questionable. The foremost reason for this is, the distinction
between the science and the non-science is vague. Every year, establishment
of new courses are introduced, and would have
the difficulty to define its taxonomy. <Need better coherence> All the science related subjects
like sports studies, environmental science and
forensic science which have to be determined by the universities. <(의미 전달이 잘 안되는 문장입니다) However, the classification on science related
subjects is very subjective. Therefore, defining all the subjects by a
relationship with the science would take a lot of time and the patronage
on those subjects would to have its
ramifications. <(무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 예를 들어 이 내용이 어떻게 scientific research and the usefulness is questionable와 연관성이
있는지 잘 모르겠습니다. Clarity에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. ) In addition to this, whether the
courses that are useful now, would be continued to usefulness
in the future, is unknown. Hence, financial support should be provided
for both scientific research and all other subjects. In conclusion, despite scarcity
in monetary patronage by the government, all postgraduate researchers should be
sponsored since most courses are science related courses. Score: 5.5
Comment: Body 내용이 조금 lengthy 하게 들립니다. Clarity도 조금 떨어집니다.내용을 조금 더 summarize하시고 simplify하시는 것을 추천합니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을
쓰시는것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 전체적으로 coherence에
신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문단별/문장별 Coherence와 같이
cohesion도 조금 더 사용을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |