▶ Your Answer :
The overpopulation in cities has become becoming an issue
since the 19th century due to drastic childbirth and longevity resulting
overpopulation. There are several problems caused by this issue such as
environmental and financial damages. This can be solved by the tax systems.
This essay will discuss the two problems and the possible solutions to solve
this issue.
Increasing population in a limited area can
cause huge environmental damages, such as degradation of land and pollution are
inevitable. To handle a massive incremental of population, humans must had to
find a way to support <(support what?) at its optimum level of standard of living. <Need better coherence> As a result,
the natural resources are decreased significantly and the global warming <(the global warming what?).
Therefore, the environment have been damaged due to overpopulation. <(clarity가 조금 떨어지는 문단입니다)
(Need better transition)
As the population increases, the space to
live per each individual is decreased and even in a scarcity; therefore it
raises the cost of living. Overall, it raises the cost of living as the
population increases. Also, the recent research has warned about insufficient
feeding for animals that could reduce the amount of meat supplies to humans in
the near future. A consequence for overpopulation becomes face-feeling reality. <(unity가 조금 떨어지는 문단입니다. Food supply and raise in house prices를 둘다 이야기 해주고 싶으시다면은 topic sentence를 cost of living increases as the population increase가 아닌 이 둘 문제를 합쳐서 설명해줄 수 있는 topic sentence를 써주시기를 바랍니다.)
There are several solutions to tackle this
issue, however, I believe this issue can be managed by the government tax. Tax
exemptions can force each household to plan for their family structures and the
government could provide a further tax benefit for the fewer family members. If
the family have a fewer children, they can get a tax exemption. Each household
can benefit be beneficial by taking a lower income tax for having a limited children
and this can also be advantageous for environment. <(tax를 덜 내는게 환경에 어떻게 좋은지 잘 모르겠습니다. 설명을 더 해주시지 않는한 논리가 조금 어색하다고 생각합니다. 또한 suggest ways인 만큼 2개 이상의 solution을 주시면 좋습니다)
In conclusion, overpopulation can bring
several problems in environmentally and financially. This can be managed by the
governmental tax campaigns for the fewer household members.
Score: 6 Comment: 전체적으로 coherence/clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용은 fair하나 clarity가 떨어지는 부분들이 있습니다. 또한 repetitive한 내용을 쓰시지 않도록 주의 해주시기를 바랍닏. 감점 요인이 될 수 있습니다. 문법상 알맞는 단어 형태/plurality/article 사용/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 더 다양한 표현을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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