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Choosing to be self-employed is a
phenomenon more common these days. This affects areas of society in both negative
and positive ways. Some people argue that self-employing is positive, but I
personally think that this leads to negative consquences. (이건 바로 앞 문장에서 한 말이랑 별반 다를 게 없고, 대신 '이 글에서 ~의 이유와 단점을 소개할 것이다' 쪽으로 작성해주세요.)
First of all, people who choose to be
self-employed would have a difficulty in getting successful results. This is
because they don’t have a good sense of planning for a business. For example,
when self-employed people firstly begin a business like a restaurant, they don’t
know which flavor of foods people usually like and what would attracts customers
exactly. As a result, they would fail that makes a profit more and more since
they should pay much money for successful results. This shows that self-employing
has the negative effects on people’s budget. (여기에 와야 할 내용에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
Moreover, if people choose to be self-employed,
they have to take all risks occurred in the business because they have the
responbilities of their own business as an owner. For example, if there is an
acctident that would damage to make a profit, people have to spend much money
on solving the accident. So (문장을 and but so 로 시작하는 것은 지양해주세요.), this leads to a difficulty in making a profit
again. Thus, before choosing to be self-employed, it is better to get such
knowledges as working on a company. (논제에서는 단점만 요구했습니다. 이를 스스로 자의적으로 해석하고 제언을 넣어서는 안 돼요.)
In conclusion, although the number of people who
choose to be self-employed increased, this affects areas of the business in
negative ways. Therefore, people would be better to work for a company before
choosing to be self-employed. (여기도 다시 작성해주셔야 합니다. ~의 원인에는 ~가 있고, ~~와 같은 단점이 있다.' 까지만 작성해주시면 돼요.)
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시험일 : 01/04
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