Some people believe that the personal information of violent criminals should be mad available to the public. Other think that this information should be protected.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
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It is a common belief that individual information should be protected, even offenders records. However, there is a more persuasive argument that personal report of violent criminals should be open to public in order to prevent offense from our community.
On the one hand, some human rights lawyers say that by not being made available to the public would be (비공개의 대상, 즉 '범죄자들의 개인정보' 를 문장 내에 넣어주셔야 합니다.) protect innocent people such as criminals family and proven innocent people. This is because most people hold in contempt people those (people 에 대한 직접적인 동의어가 있는 건 아니지만, 상황에 따라 이런 식의 대체도 가능하니까 잘 활용해주세요~) who connected with criminals or even false charged people because they think criminals are also involved in crimes or are badly affected by criminals. For example of my school years, Even even though, a student was exemplary student, and a student who studied well and had many friends, he was tortured by other classmates and teachers when his fathers who committed a sexual crime information was announced just because his father was a sex offender. In the result, he chose to kill himself (commit suicide 라는 좋은 표현이 있습니다.), and this issue have made a big impact on Korea.
Nevertheless, reporting the information of criminals can protect the society as secondary damage. By revealing the offender's information, people can know who is a criminal and watch their action. As a result, they can protect themselves and offenders also can not commit a crime. In South Korea, for instance, the Korea government implement a law that sex offenders and murderers information should be open to public because criminals will be monitored by people. and (문장을 and but so 로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다. +문장의 첫 단어는 대문자 시작해주셔야 하고요.) government allows citizens to avoid them and prevent from criminals' secondary damage. Ultimately, citizens can be protected more effectively through this law. As a result, secondary crime of offenders have been decreasing.
To sum up, while it is apparent that some experts argue that criminals' report should be protected, it is undeniable that it is more important for their information must open to public because of preventing another secondary offence in our community.
총평: (6/6/7/6) 6.5
6.5이긴 한데 시간이 오버되었다는 점, task 1 등을 고려하면 아직 실전에서는 6.0 정도에 그칠 확률이 높습니다. 암기에 따른 약간의 손해도 감수는 하셔야하고요. (7점 이상이 반드시 필요하신 게 아닌 이상 템플릿은 오히려 쓰는 게 좋긴 합니다.)
문법이 아직은 완전히 탄탄하게 잡혀있는 게 아니라, 6.5 이상이 필요하신 거면 라이팅과는 별개로 문법을 꾸준히 학습해주셔야 하고요.
시간의 경우 솔직하게 말씀드리자면 그냥 반복만이 답입니다. 단, 단번에 줄이려고 하면 절대 안 줄고, 오히려 글의 퀄리티만 낮아지니까, 한번에 2~3분씩만 줄여서 최종적으로 35분, 아무리 늦어도 37분 내에 마무리짓는 연습을 해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)
소요시간 47분 걸렸어요.. 어떻게 하면 더 간략하고 빠르게 쓸수 있을까요..