Many people think that more money will make them happier. How important is money for happiness?
A large Large number of people hold the perception that money is the main source of a person’ happiness. I believe that money Money in any form, is the essential part of happy life. This essay will discuss both points and close with my opinion. This essay will discuss how important money is for happiness.
To embark upon, having the ability to buy whatever, one could be more psychologically strong with this satisfaction that causes refreshing and happier behavior. With a lot of money, a person can buy a luxurious car, expensive house and other artificial materials, that all are play vital roles to make one moody and happy. Moreover, it seems that traveling and meeting with different people also have influence towards the joyful life, but realistically all this only possible with cash. For example, in the article published in the Times clearly stated that average income family are worried and does not have enough money to go for vacation, that causes some mental disorders.
It is clear that all happiness could not be bought with money but it is true that some worries and problems could be rectified with money. The necessity of money is unavoidable in many terms. Wealth is part of the person’s life happiness because some believe to give charity is the way to make them inner happy in the inner side. Addition to this, health is the major part of the person’s wellbeing, if anyone has have medical problems, now almost every disease could be healed within a short time of period. Therefore, the value of money has have significant impact to one’s happiness.
In conclusion, it is unquestionable that money does not play any role (그 반대가 아닌가요?) towards the happiness because one can purchase and enjoy their life with money that cause more happiness. I strongly agree that without or few money, a person could be live with stress and strain but one and will lack of happiness.
총평: (7/6/7/6) 6.5
일단 문법의 경우, 이 글 한정으로 놓고 보면 근본적인 문제가 있는 것은 절대 아닙니다. 그러나, 자잘한 오류가 되게 되게 많은 편이고, 이게 누적되면서 평가가 내려가게 되었죠. 어휘 쪽 역시 단어의 반복을 고려했을 때 채점관에 따라 6점으로 내려갈 수 있습니다. TR도 결론에서의 does not play 를 고려했을 때 6점으로 내려갈 위험이 있습니다.
또한, 기본적으로 이 글은 '돈이 행복에 있어 정말 중요하다' 라는 주장을 논증하는 목적을 가진 것을 보입니다. 이 점을 고려했을 때, 본론 두 문단은 각각 다른 근거가 뚜렷하게 제시되어야하는데, 현재 본론 두 문단의 상당수 내용은 겹칩니다. ('사람의 필요와 욕구는 대부분 돈으로 해결 가능하다' 는 내용이 중복의 대상이고요.) 이럴 경우 문단을 나눈 의미가 없어지기 때문에, 보다 확실히 구분되는 두 이유를 제시해주세요!
종합하자면 저는 드릴 수 있는 최대치를 드려서 6.5가 나왔지만, 시간, 실전 적응 등을 고려하고, 채점관 운까지 생각하면, 이 글만 놓고 봤을 때는 6.0이 더 현실적일 겁니다. (그 밑으로 떨어질 것 같지는 않고요.) 수고하셨습니다 :)