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Opinions vary on why people think that job security is more important than job satisfaction. This is because maintaining living standards and raising a family have become more and more >> increasingly 가 더 좋은 표현입니다 difficult due to increased living expenses and unemployment. In this essay, I will further investigate this downward trend and suggest a way to increase someone's career sastisfaction from his/her career.
To begin with, There are some reasons why it could be argued that job security is more essential than job satisfaction. Firstly, life is more complex and difficult. This is because the rate of unemployment and redundancy is on rise rising. However, the cost of living , education fee, and health care have increased so dramatically. For example, >> 예시가 나온다면 확실히 표시해주세요 in Korea, over 50% of households is are double-income family to maintain their basic lives. This gives us the idea that modern people confront with the difficult in keeping up with higher living expenses in society. Therefore, they consider that keeping their security job is very important.
Otherwise, In order to increase job satisfaction, the sense of comforrt is necessary . Benefits Welfare, which people workers receive from their company such as the provision of staft >>?? facilities and positive feedback from superiors, can greatly increase greatly someone's self-esteem and job satisfaction. Moreover, harmonious relationship with coworkers encourages them to work hard >> moreover 는 새로운 주장을 나타내는 부사입니다 지워주세요. For example, the Samsung company , which is a Korean famous company, is dedicates to providing the highest satisfaction for their employees by applying entertaining facilities, comfortable resting areas, and good restaurants facilities. Thererfore, these ways provide workers with higher job satisfaction in workplace, which leads to contribution to society or the economy.
In conclusion, due to the difficult to cover living expenses with an irregular income, people think that job security is more essential. However, by changing the working environment and the attitude of employers in a good way, employees feel valued and satisfied. These contributes to the society or the economy.
다른 부분은 괜찮은데 결론 부분이 좀 이상하네요 불규칙한 혹은 고르지 않은 수입으로 living expenses를 커버하기 어렵단 말은 내용에 없습니다 실직으로 인해 그렇다는건 말이 되지만요 However 하면서 새로운 생각이나 의견 말하지 말고 위에 제시된 내용들 크게 추려주시길 바랍니다 스펠링 오류가 굉장히 많습니다 고쳐주세요 단어만 잘 수정했다면 6.5도 받을 글이라고 봅니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |