▶ Your Answer :
It is true that many countries in the world try to develop the tourist industry because it is followed by a significant number of economic benefits. Although there are many positive aspects in tourism, I confidently believe that we should not overlook the negative impact on both our valuable cultures and the natural environment we have to preserve.
(Need better transition)
However, there are many countries that make an effort to attract many tourists from all over the world. This is because there are some benefits to this, and one of the main things is that it is a good chance in economic growth. As a number of travelers spend money in other countries do consumption activities, business related to tourism such as traditional food stores, hotels and souvenir shops are succeed. In addition, it is a good chance to announce the country to the world. This contributes to catch the opportunities to become a host of global events like the World Cup or major international meetings. Therefore, these countries will improve their global influential power.
(Need better transition)
In my opinion, many problems are occurred as the tourist industry has developed throughout the world, Firstly, various unique traditional culture of each country are destroyed. This is because people transform their prestigious traditions such as food, clothes and form of home to popularize on the purpose of attracting more people at the expense of losing the ethnic characteristics. Secondly, visiting the natural tourist attractions and cultural remains that we have to prevent from damages spoils these priceless values. It is because both people throw an amount of trash are produced in anywhere and touch important heritages with carelessness.
In conclusion, although there are benefits of invigorating the tourism, its disadvantages also should not be ignored because we have to preserve our cultural worth and precious environmental habitats.
Score: 7 Comment: 내용이 아주 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 Transition에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 질문은 글쓴이의 주장 보다는 그저 advantages and disadvantages를 discuss 해달라고 하고 있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 in my opinion같은 표현은 크게 필요가 없습니다. 또한 1 인칭을 피해주시는게 좋습니다. Reader가 이미 글쓴이가 쓴 에세이인것을 알기 때문에 달리 써주시지 않는한 글쓴이의 생각이라는 것을 압니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |