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A number of people have implications >> 적절치 않은 단어 선택이지 않을까 싶습니다 서론에선 확실히 대표하는 잘 나타내는 단어를 선정해서 확실한 방향을 잡아주는 것이 좋습니다 toward their lives in doing the same things. However, changing the habits may result in a good thing.>> 서론은 약 3~4 줄 정도가 좋습니다 서론이 부족합니다
To begin with, scores of people endeavor to keep pace with general lives. A lot of variations seem to be unstable that people demand for a long time to adjust new things. To give an example, if people work >> do 아르바이트를 하다라는 말로 do가 어울립니다 a part-time job for a >> 이 전 에세이부터 보여진 실수네요 several이 나오면 복수가 나와서 a를 쓰지 않습니다 several years, they would >> if절의 동사가 현재라면 주절의 조동사는 현재가 옵니다 따라서 will 을 써주세요 raise their salary >> 본인들이 월급을 올리는 것이 아니라 틀린 문장이 됩니다, or do not need adept working no longer >> no longer의 위치가 잘못됐습니다 so they would have a work flexibly, and, also, they may not be under a lot of stress from a workplace. As a result of it, they intend to pursue the >> same은 the와 같이 다닙니다 same things in order to keep with a secure life.
On the other hand, through changes in habits or life, a spate of people could ameliorate their experience, >> 콤마가 필요없습니다 and a various opportunities may be given for them to make the best way. For instance, most successful people spend time in hard environments as to alter their lives. Such a circumstance may bring about a valuable result of success. They may strongly have confidence in doing anything for the purpose of, and may survive among difficult situations.
I personally think that, there are pros and cons on the arguments. There is advantageous that if people ceaselessly do the same thing with the aims, the successful result will be lasted for a long time to achieve their specific goals. However, various changes may bring about diverse experiences that they presumably find a suitable way for them.
In conclusion, according to these arguments, a number of people are inclined to avoid changing life to spend time safely, and people who pursue their life through various experiences which might be present for good or bad things.
역시 관사 실수가 있으며 약간 문장이 모호한 것들이 있으니 명확하게 써주시길 바랍니다 글이 너무 같은 틀 내에서 맴도는 듯한 느낌이 있습니다 쭉 읽어봐주세요 단어 선택은 좋은 것들이 있었습니다 다양해서 좋습니다 하지만 중복되는 단어들도 꽤 있어서 더 좋은 점수는 받지 못했습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다
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