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As we move into the twenty-first century, the issues>> what issues? surrounding learning curriculum of high schools have fueled a controversy. This essay will take a social perspective>> 본인 의견을 제시하는겁니다 social perspective 전혀 필요 없습니다 to discuss whether unpaid community service should be involved in compulsory subjects of high school program or not, before presenting further opinions.
In such a contemporary society, To begin with, there tend to be a shift in the education trend to the point where community service such as unpaid social activities play an important role in high school programs. educational trend is changing to involve voluntary works in curriculum. As of participating those programs, it may allow high school students to raise their awareness towards helping minority groups >>무슨 소수 집단이죠? and hence, so that they are able to hold have broader perspectives in many aspects of social issues. As of doing so, since they will be given more opportunities to increase social interaction, this may contribute to developing their social skills. Also, >> also so and or but 은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 these circumstances are may provide them with a sense of belonging to the society. In this respect, these community services may need to be a compulsory subject in high school. >> 앞에 이미 견해나 관점을 넓힐 수 있다는 주장을 했습니다 그럼 어떻게 넓히냐 어떤 관점에서 넓어지냐라는 질문이 나오겠죠 그 부분을 For example, 로 예시를 들어줘서 설득력이나 전달력을 높여야 합니다 지금 무슨 뜻인지 어떤 방향으로 발전해나가는지 좀 더 디테일하겐 파악이 안 되네요
Secondly, despite the positive effects of these programs this program, it has been criticized for its potential risks. Should they are should be forced to involved in these activities the free work without considering their decision and rights towards their studying,>> 접속사도 없는데 두 문장이 이어질 수 없죠 마침표 찍어주세요 . It may reduce interests to boost their motivation due to placing providing an unnecessary pressure. As of doing so, it may ultimately prevent ultimately their studying and further development. Along with the supplementary drawbacks, those who are not interested in this kind of community service may also disrupt other students and the learning environment. >> 계속 설명에서만 겉돌고 있습니다 unnecessary pressure를 받는 예시나 혹은 어떻게 관심없는 학생들이 다른 학생들을 방해하는지 어떤 정확하거나 세세한 정보는 하나도 없네요
As for all issues of discussion Moreover, it is more important to understand how these programs the unpaid activity is influential to the students in high school. As of providing education and counseling for students towards the true value of social activities, these adverse effects>>?? are expected to be minimized. Rather, considering the supplementary benefits, these programs may provide more valuable social experience rather than just focusing focus on their career and success in the society. In this respect, it may allow them to contribute to the society in the long run.
In conclusion, given the contentious and continuous issues surrounding the unpaid community service, it is deemed necessary to maintain a holistic understanding before grounding affirming any firm opinions. Taking this into consideration, it is totally agreeable accetped to support the idea of the social activity as a compulsory part of high school programs.
글자수 380자 넘었습니다 Task1 과 Task2 를 한 곳에 쓴 분량 정도 되네요 이 정도 된다면 시험장 가서 다 못 씁니다 컴퓨터로 써도 꽤나 걸릴텐데 주장 생각하고 머릿 속에서 정리 다 끝내고 손으로 쓰면서 틀리면 지우개로 지우면서 380자 이상을 40분 내에 쓸 수 있을까요? 불가능하다고 말씀드리고 싶네요 가능하다고 해도 Task1에도 영향 미칩니다 Task1 먼저 쓰고 이걸 쓰게 된다면 자칫 결론 부분도 못 쓰고 Time over 될 수도 있구요 문단도 4개로 해주세요 문단 5개라서 더 깁니다 문단 하나만 날려도 300자에 가깝게 줄어듭니다 주제는 하나고 활동도 무료로 일하는 것 하나인데 자꾸 these, issues 등으로 복수 표현을 하시네요 또한 as of 의 뜻은 현재부터 라는 뜻입니다 어디서 보신진 모르겠지만 사용 자제해주시구요 논리적으로 잘 연결되지도 않았습니다 설득력이나 전달력도 떨어지구요 단어선택도 미스난 부분이 좀 있네요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다 |