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In current society, most students tend to pursue their study to get a higher degree. are increasingly competent. However, the problem is that highly qualified the competitive students are suffering from unemployment. It is important that we identify the origins of this alarming phenomenon and investigate useful resolutions. From my point of view, the following reasons should be taken into consideration 어떤 큰 포인트를 제시하는 것이 좋습니다 큰 포인트를 서론에서 제시해서 본론 1에서 그에 관한 주장을 펼치면서 세부적인 내용을 지적해주고 예시고 들고 본론 2에는 그에 마땅한 해결책을 제시하는 것이 좋습니다.
First of all, one of the key reasons is that there are not enough jobs enterprises where want to hire overqualified candidates , accomodating overqualified applicants. As the competition is being overheated between job seekers, qualities of them increase. It is undeniable that companies want to employ a man who has a better quality than others It leads to a huge burden to companies in terms of providing high salary to balance the pay and their value. The considerable fact is that a higher degree means a higher salary. This surely can be a burden to a company. In addition, it is not always true that Ph.D or master's degree guarantee the quality of candidates. Therefore, employers hesitate to pick a overqualified person when they hire freshmen. >> in addition 은 다른 의견을 제시하는 부사구요 따라서 쓰지 마시구요 For example 을 쓰셔서 예시를 표현해주세요
Another crucial reason is that there are too many students who have a higher degrees today. Competitive corporations >> 다양하게 단어 써주시면 좋을 듯 싶네요 such as Google or Samsung may recieve tons of CVs>> ?? from well-educated candidates and they are all graduated have had with a successful prominent degrees. In such a situation, doctorate and master's degrees no longer can be a competitiveness. Name value of certain universities can be more important than the level of degree.>> 너무 많은 학생들이 고학력자다 구글이나 삼성같은 경쟁력 있는 회사들을 잘 교육 받은 지원자들로부터 많은 CV들을 받고 그들은 모두 저명한 학위를 가지고 있다 이런 상황에서 석박사 학위는 더이상 경쟁력있지 않다 이름값이 더 중요하다
Above >> 두 단어 사이 띄워주세요mentiond, causes need utmost considerations. As to how to address this issue, the general public set forth diverse proposals.
The most significant approach is that the government should make more job opportunities. The origin of this issue is a lack of proper workplaces. In addition, strict standards of universities or colleges can be the next solution. These days, we are inundated with highly qualified graduates. It has to be harder when students graduate from educational institutes. >> 이 주장을 더 보강하거나 바로 윗 단락을 더 보강하던가 해서 둘 중 한 단락은 지워주세요 세 개의 주장은 필요치 않고 주장은 한 문단 해결책은 또 다른 하나 하시면 충분하겠습니다
To sum up, students are the future of the nation. Society should try to provide proper job opportunities to them. In order to do so, the government and education system should take the abovementioned proper actions mentioned above.
지적 사항들을 위에 말씀 드렸구요 문단은 4개 정도만 구성하시면 됩니다 주장과 해결책이 같은 맥락이면 더욱 부드러운 논리가 예상되겠구요 단어 다양하게 써주시고 문법 간단한 부분 바로 잡아주시고 관사 공부해보시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |