▶ Your Answer :
Given are two charts graphs illustrating the four main reasons for global land degradation and the specific causes by three different regions.
It is obvious that over grazing was the largest contributor of world wide degradation and Europe had the biggest area degraded .<(이 부분은 conclusion 할때 이야기 하시기 좋을실거같습니다. 다음 문단에 똑같은 내용으로 시작하기 때문입니다. 아니면 빼도 될 내용이 될 수도 있습니다.)
According to the pie chart, the dominant cause of degradation in the world was over-grazing, accounting for 35% and the second biggest reason was deforestation, at 30% less then two fifths(퍼센트로 설명을 하시게 대부분이면은 일관성있게 다 퍼센트로 해주시는데 좋을 것 같습니다.), followed by over-cultivation with slightly less than 30%. That leaves just 7% for other reasons.
When it comes to the table, the biggest degraded regions was Europe, at almost a quarter and there were different prominent reasons in the three continents over the research period.
(앞 내용과 같이 와도 되는 문단입니다)>First of all, the figure for deforestation in Europe was five times higher than that of in Oceania and North America combined. Additionally, the proportion of over-cultivation was quite large in North America and Europe, while in Oceania there was no influence. Lastly, Oceania had the biggest percentage of over-grazing among the three continents with almost 12% (11.3%는 12%와 가깝다고 하기엔 조금 그렇습니다. 11.5% 정도 넘어야 almost 12%가 됩니다)
Score: 5.5 Comment: 정리를 통해 더 improve할 수 있는 글입니다. 마지막 문단에는 글뿐 만 아니라 숫자 와 함께 차트에 나온 결과를 쓰시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. |