▶ Your Answer : It is evident that competent artists should be compensated appropriately
for their work. <(Compensate랑 provide financial support는 전혀 다른 개념입니다. 이 글의 경우 compensate라는 단어는 알맞지않습니다. )>There are mixed opinions on whether or not governments have to
provide financial help to them. <(Need more work)
On the one hand, some people argue that governments have to
provide supports to creative artists since they contribute to a variety of
fields in common place. I definitely agree with that art has tremendous
importance in our lives, and that many a lot of people are getting help from art and
artists. In Hongdae which is a town called street of culture in Korea, for
example, a number of foreigners visit this place to appreciate music and wall
paintings as well as Koreans, so it also influences to local profits
significantly. Therefore, it is fair that artists who make those music and wall
paintings get the compensation from the government since they do a role of big
advertisement to inform culture.
On the other hand, others insist that government should
spend deposits on other valuable fields, such as education, welfare and security,
rather than art. This is because the art, even in public place, is luxury compared with
those fields. There are a lot of people who needs helps to meet basic needs. It
is ridiculous that many other people are suffering from not having enough food
or illiteracy for the reason financial support given to creative artists only. supporting creative artists. Thus, basically, government
have to provide public services to support weak people.<(왜 갑자기 public service가 나오는지 모르겠습니다. 이 에세이과는 상관이 없는 내용입니다.)
In conclusion,
to the extent, I agree that governments need to support creative artists for
the work they do. However, I firmly believe that there are more important values
to support than art.<(주장이 둘다 agree 로 들립니다. 조금더 한쪽으로 기울리는게 좋습니다. 아니면은 creative artist를 support하는게 맞지만 그 보다 더 써포트가 필요한 사람들이 있습니다 라고 하는게 좋을 것 같습니다.
Score: 5 Comment:단어를 조금더 확실하게 이해하신후 쓰시는게 좋습니다 그렇지않으면 글쓴이의 생각이 제대로 반영이 안되고 에세이의 내용 자체가 달라집니다. Support가 weak 한 에세입니다. Informal 한 표현들도 아직 쓰고 계십니다. 약간 질문의 이해를 다르게 한 것 같습니다. Financial support 랑 compensate는 다릅니다. Compensate는 사람이 뭔가를 잃었을때나 아님 다쳤을때 돈을 주는게 compensate입니다. Financial support는 말 그대로 써포트 펀드 입니다. 예를 들어 대학생에게 장학금을 주는 것 과 비슷합니다. |