▶ Your Answer :
With the development of industry <(which industry?), we now have a the higher quality of life compared to the past.<Need better coherence> However, it also caused
several problems concerning traffic jam and air-pollution. Some people think
that raising oil price will be the solution, however, I asserts that the problem
is not related to the price of petrol.
First of all, even though the government
increases the price of oil, most of car-owners might not quit using their car
for the traffic and pollution problems. If car- owners were rich, they could be
afford to the price. Otherwise, ordinary people who have their own cars might use
it as they need to make for a living. For example, for taxi drivers and postmen, individual
transportation is essential when they work. As a result, expansiveness of
petrol price does not help to reduce traffic jam and pollution.
To solve the problems the question asked
above, I suggest that we need to develop electric and self-driven car.<(electric cars는 already developed된 차 라고 생각합니다.) Especially, electric cars does not need oil which is the main source of
air-pollution. Moreover, self driving cars be able to drive itself automatically bring
dramatic convenience to human life. They will decrease traffic problems even in
the capital and never cause occur any accidents by mistake like humans. <(is this really positively true?)
Coincidentally, to solve the pollution and
traffic problems, we need to broaden our sight to other solutions. Only
increasing the price of gasoline does not help to make a solution. As I suggested
in this essay, development of our transportation will be the key for the
problems we meet, nowadays.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 내용이 fair 하다고 생각합니다. 다만 조금 더 elaboration을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같고 reasoning을 조금 더 강화 시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 formal essay에는 1인칭을 피해주시는게 좋습니다. 그 외에는 specificity에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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