▶ Your Answer :
In recent years, it has become significant to give good quality of education to children in rural areas in developing countries, while there is an argument,of what is a more effective way. <(어떤 methods인지 전달해주셔야합니다) In this essay, I will pose both opinions of the direct helps including teachers and schools, and technological helps with some applicable supports.
To begin with, on the one hand, teachers and schools are necessary for of children to grow uprightly. The main reason is that there are not sufficient facilities to lead children well in rural areas. Schools can definitely play definitely as useful roles on the rural children, by being a study room, a playground, and even a community. To be specific, as a small society, schools provide a variety of teaching, which is cannot be acquired from just at home by themselves. Furthermore, also teachers can also sometimes scold and praise the young instead of parents, and fix children's mistakes which are wrong on the rule or ethically. The best advantage is that teachers are able to not only able to teach depending on the levels of every students but also manage individual characters of them.<(내용 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
On the other hand, some people advocate that Internet and computer access is more needed in rural areas. Firstly, the technological aids provide make high accessibility of studies to children who live far away from with useful facilities. Long distance is always one of the interruptions to learn something. Secondly, through the internet, it is easy to get broad information which students have to know at the moments, just sitting on the chair. <내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다> For instance, many countries are replacing some classes, especially safety educations, about disasters like fire and the earthquakes, to name but two. The last but not least, when it comes to choosing what they want to learn, it is the best method to use the internet and computers.<(why?)
To recapitulate, taking into both sets of argument, the supports of computers and internet are very useful, but they should be only for assistance. I am of the belief that Teachers and schools are more effective for of children in rural area as an education helper.<(이 문장에 왜인지도 정보를 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6.5 Comment: 내용은 좋은데 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. 내용을 조금 더 summarize해주시면서 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 어순에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 전치사 collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 formal essay에는 I 라는 단어를 안쓰시는게 좋습니다.수고 하셨습니다.
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