▶ Your Answer :
Modern technologies have enabled our
lifestyles to be more comfortable. This has been impacted significantly in especially companies, especially. <(comfortable lifestyle가 영향을 받았다는 건가요? modern technologies 영향을 받았다는 건가요? 문장이 unclear합니다) There is are an increasing number of companies, which are
encouraging their employees to work from home. Both employers and employees
would be receiving benefits by working from home. Employees will be satisfied
from flexible working schedules while employers can expect of the quality of
work from that their employees have presented. Thus, this way of work should be
encouraged.
Flexible working schedules could be seen as
one of the biggest advantages to employees. Since employees do not have to do
commute, they can plan a day to complete their given tasks. While an office
worker will deal with many lots of meetings and conferences, home-working people can
do other things. Working from home provides more flexibility because workers
can deal with their tasks at their convenient convenience time. Furthermore, all advanced
technological devices would be enable to conduct meetings and conferences at
home. <내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다> Employees can attend the meeting while taking care of their children.
Most of working parents would be get benefited from this flexibility, by forming a
balance between work and life. Therefore, it is helpful to workers with
children. <(내용 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. Coherence도 조금 떨어집니다. 또한 workers with children이라고 하시면 아이가 있는 사람에게만 해당이 됩니다. 더 general하게 concluding을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
(Need better transition)
Companies can save their financial and
operational costs from employees working from home. Therefore, they should
encourage workers to work at home.<이 문장은 이 문단을 concluding할때 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) All companies' primary purpose is to make a
profit. By making their employees to work at home, companies can save their
fixed expenses. Interest rates for renting premises or paying for other
operating expenses such as rent fees, utilities and deposit for premises can be
seen as a fixed expense. Through By vacant office premises, companies can save those two
costs. These savings can be spent on research and development or investments to
expand companies. This also can be beneficial for employees because they can
enjoy their lifestyles by balancing work and life.<(repetitive 그리고 문맥상 연결이 되는 내용이 아닙니다) Thus, companies can receive
high qualified finalised projects by permitting employees to work from home. <(문단을 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, modern devices which have
been improving our lives can be found in our daily life. The advancement of technologies helped
employees working from home. Due to development of technologies, both employees
and employers are being benefited. Hence, working from home should be
encouraged. <(Coherence가 lack합니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 질문에 대한 답은 fair하다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 coherence가 떨어집니다. 그렇기 때문에 흐름이 좋지 않는 부분들도 있습니다. Cohesion에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 조금 wordy하게 들리는 부분이 있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 전체적으로 내용 정리를 해주신 후 summarize 하시는 것을 추천합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |