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Nowadays, people contact <(contact who?) by using their cell phones and laptops. I think it is very useful for communicating at communication with friends and family and even someone new new some one. (문장을 and 으로 시작하는 것은 추천하지 않으면 꼭 대문자로 문장을 시작해주셔야합니다)>and also ultimately communication induce to our socially development.<(??) <(need a clearer thesis statement. 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지 않습니다) It is clear that, people more and more prefer mobile contact <(??) more and more. and it has brought bring on changed life form and pattern to people just thereby using their<(who is their?) product of virtual contact. (sentence fragment)>Because they their more and more spend more and more time with about smartphones and tablet PCs. touched kind of the cell phone and touch pad, etc. So they<(who is they?) are make to users more concentrate more on virtual situations and images than real life. For that reasons, actually some opponents insist communication with virtual product make problem of development and health to people of society. But I think, surely contact of mobile <(??) surely have many lot of problems, It has a large big amount of more benefits more than negative points. <(문단의 본론이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다. Clarity/specificity/coherence/cohesion이 많이 떨어지면 sentence fragment/run-on sentence/phrase error가 많습니다) (Need better transition) Firstly, users can use their using theire time, effectively. cause virtual contact can any where and any time just you want. <(?? sentence fragment이며 의미 전달이 잘 안되는 clause입니다) Even others’s who you want communication person doing another something <(???) So can’t<(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다. 풀어서 쓰셔야합니다) talk right now but you just send message and wait then you can receive reply.<(주어가 없으며 run-on sentence입니다) So this point is very convenient. Secondly, if your friends or family live or travle in foreign that so far from you. you don’t have a reason to miss them. because you can see each other through web cams. Because you can talking of face to face with them, by using webcam program. Finally, beside, it's help learn foreign language to people who wants to study. Nowadays, we can easily use foreign language share application <(??)., such as Hello Talk like application called Hello Talk. that is share there knowledge of national language each other. <(???) People can easily communicate with friends that live in another country and even make new friends through such app. It easily can make communication with other nation friend and good way for make exotic new friend. so it is like hit two birds with one stone. (Need better transition) We can use our time for communication effectively and easily and even diverse choice select and pick out you want options <(??문법이 틀렸으며 의미 전달이 안됩니다.). For these this lot of reason, it<(what is it?) seems like a positive our development.
Score: 3 Comment: Incomplete sentence/Incorrect sentences가 많기 때문에 의미 전달이 잘 안되며 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 반영이 잘 안되고 있습니다. 특히 sentence fragment로 구성이 된 문장이 들이 많습니다. 내용상 의미 전달이 잘 안되기 때문에 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 또한 질문중에 두 번째 질문만 답해주신것 같습니다. 하지만 이 답변도 positive 한것인지 negative한것인지 both 인지 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지 않습니다. 또한 specificity가 떨어집니다. 주어가 비어있거나 대명사가 reference하는 명사가 누구인지 무엇인지 clear하지 않습니다. 문법상 어색한 또는 틀린 표현/어순/대문자/소문자/주어나 동사가 없거나/contraction/단어형태/cohesion에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |