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For the last year, enlisting only men at many kinds of armies has sparked a lot of controversies. Some people say that women should be conscripted at armies for their countries especially, national defense. In my view, I totally agree with this statement, I believe that women also should have duty about joining to armies like men for guarding their countries. (여기는 조금 수정해주셔야 합니다. 현재 적어주신 내용은 강제, 즉 징병 쪽을 얘기하고 있지만, 논제에서는 모병제, 다른 말로 하자면 원래는 징병이고 모병이고 아예 여성이 군대에 들어가는 것 자체가 되지 않았는데, 입대가 허락되도록 해야 한다~라고 적어주셔야 해요. 아마 우리나라의 경우 징병제를 실시하고 있다보니 약간 헷갈리신 것 같은데 둘은 차이가 있습니다.)
If women are able to enlist, sexism will be more resolved and the countries would become safer than before simply because, first of all, a lot of men have been thinking about enlisting only men is sex discrimination to men. Therefore, it will not only resolve sexism, but also alleviate some gender conflicts. (여기의 경우도 위와 비슷한 맥락에서 근거 자체를 수정해주셔야 합니다. 징병을 다루고 있는 것이 아니기 때문에, 남성에 대한 차별이 아닌 여성에 대한 차별 쪽으로 접근해주셔야 해요.) Secondly, a number of women do not know how to guard their bodies when they meet some bad people such as thieves and robberies. Therefore, it is good for not only protecting their bodies, but also improving public security in their countries.
In the case of national defense, a lot of countries can be stronger than before simply because (이미 쓰인 표현이므로 웬만하면 대체해주시는 게 좋습니다.), many populations decrease in many countries annually. Moreover, a lot of men don't want to enter at armies. (징병 쪽을 다루는 것이 아님에 따라 여기의 경우도 수정해주셔야 해요.) However, if women enlist, the countries's national defense will be better than before. Furthermore, there are a lot of talented females suitable for soldiers and armies in the countries so, they will be good at guarding their countries. (위에서도 말씀드렸고 총평에서도 글을 다시 작성하는 쪽으로 말씀드릴텐데, 이때 이 문장과 같은 근거를 중점으로 논거를 전개해보세요~)
Nowadays, a majority of females complain about sexism because a lot of women think that most men receive better treatments and positions than them. However, I think that most men more undertake many things than many females for their countries. (여기도 바꿔주시면 돼요.) Therefore, women should be given the same opportunity with men as they join at armies.
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