Nowadays,
It’s it is an important issue regarding whether it is good to accept accepting a bad situation or trying to do
something to make our life better. This is because Because these days, people start to ask themselves
to think about what makes them feel happy. And (문장을 and but so 로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다. 다른데에도 다 수정해주세요~) people think achievement, which
is one of the most important factor for happiness, can make them feel happy. And given Given that the society we live has a strong wall between so called hierarchy in
the respect of money, job or else, there are some people who still want to
change their life from the bad situation they face to a better one. But the
society we live has already been sturdy and breaking the wall between invisible
hierarchy is getting harder compare to before. This unsolvable situation separates
people from people who want to accept a bad situation and people who improve their
life to face better situation. (지금 일단 문법/어휘를 체크해드리려고 그냥 두긴 했지만, 현재 불필요한 서두가 너무 깁니다. 서론에서는 논점만 소개하고 앞으로 내 본론과 결론이 어떤 식으로 전개될 것인지에 대한 요약만 해주시면 돼요. 나중에 꼭 모범답안이나, 다른 수험생들이 어떻게 쓰셨는지 한번 확인해보세요!)
Some
people say that accepting the situation they face and try to feel happy with it is the best solution they can take. This is because Because
developing a situation we face is really hard in current society and even
though we could do it with much effort, we still want to find something new to get
our thirsty to live better life removed. This opinion is understandable from the
point of view of we do not need any other effort. (엔터키를 한 번만 치는 경우는 이유불문 없습니다. 여기도 한 번 더 쳐주셔야 해요.)
But there
are other people who love giving a lot of effort to make their life much
better. They are saying that although it is really hard to improve the
situation we they face, we should enjoy trying to something really harder and throughout
this effort, we could get achievement and it makes us feel happy. This opinion
is also reasonable considering that achievement and happiness is closely
connected to each other.
In
my opinion, people can choose a position between them depending on their own
characteristics. If they have a characteristics which tend to maintain their living
and could be satisfied easily, It it might be better for them to accept their
situation. And if they have a personality that always want a something better
and could not be satisfied with the situation they currently face, it It is a good
option for them to try harder and give much effort to have a better situation
and live well. For me to say, I am a person of latter nature, so I always try
to do something to improve my life about money and career. I already have a
decent job which is a researcher for semiconductor but still try to study something
new to improve my situations on the respect of money and job.
총평: 일단 다음에는 논제도 같이 올려주세요~! 그래야 대략의 점수도 드릴 수 있습니다. 단, 지금 논제를 다시 올려주실 필요는 없습니다. 어차피 지금 단계에서 점수가 몇 점이냐가 중요한 것은 절대 아니라서요.
문장들을 읽어보면 대체로 영어 작문 실력은 준수하신 쪽에 속하는 것 같습니다. 그러나 아직 글 작성 요령은 거의 없으신 상태라, 이쪽에 관한 많은 보완은 필요하겠고요. 이에 관해서는 링크를 두 개 넣어드릴테니까 꼭 정독해주세요!
+task 2에서 굳이 문단의 중요도를 나누면 본론>>>>결론>서론 순이 됩니다. 그런데 현재 글은 반대로 서론에 가중치가 엄청 들어가고, 본론이 별 설명 없이 끝났기 때문에 좋지 않고요. 모범답안과 다른 분들이 어떻게 쓰셨는지를 한번 확인해보시고, 이 외에도 템플릿을 '참고' 정도는 해주시면 좋을 겁니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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