Q) When a new town is planned, it is more important to develop public parks and sports facilities
than shopping centers for people to spend their free time in.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
A) It's argued that building public parks and sports facilities is more significant than developing shopping centers when we plan a new town. I agree with this idea because these think public parks and sports facilities are better for people to take a break in.
First of all, Parks parks and sports facilities help residents be healthier. If there are well-equipped parks and sports facilities in the town, people will do workouts more frequently. Working out in the routine is very important for people to live in an energetic and healthy way. In my case, I lived in the town where has a huge park. So I i could go working out exercise anytime. However, after moving to the city center where there were not any does not have any parks or sports facilities, I did not don't have chance to do exercise. I feel lazier and gloomier these days. So Building building parks and sports facilities in the town makes people do workout in their free time and be healthier physically and mentally.
Second, public parks and sports facilities are important as places where children could play. Doing outdoor sports is one of the essential things for children to develop. However, there are a lot of traffic or crimes these days, so parents hesitate to let their children play outside. When I was young, there was a sports center near my home that has various facilities like swimming pool and gym. So I could play anytime.I think it helped me to grow up as a healthy adult. For children, therefore, we have to have more parks and facilities where they could play freely.
To conclude, Building building parks and sports facilities should be the priority when a new town is planned. This is because Because residents could do more exercise in their free time and children could play more actively.
총평: (6/5/6/5) 5.5
일단 제가 문단을 확실하게 나눠드렸습니다. 제가 해드린 것과 같이, 다음부터는 엔터를 두 번 쳐서 확실히 나눠주시면 돼요. 이유불문 엔터를 한 번만 치고 넘기는 경우는 없고요. 이것도 엄연히 점수에 들어가는 사항이라, 주의해주셔야 합니다.
또한 대소문자 오류가 꽤 보이는데, 이것 역시 수정해주셔야 해요. 사실 얘네만 제대로 갖춰졌을 경우 문법이 5점까지 떨어질 일은 없어보입니다.
내용의 보충과 비교했을 때, 위의 두 사항은 개선이 진짜 쉽고, 저것만 잘 하더라도 0.5점 정도의 점수 상승은 노려볼 수 있으니까 꼭 잡아주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)
총 소요시간: 40분