Some people say that web content should be used to instruct children. Others think that it is not helpful in an educational setting.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
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It is a common belief that some education experts say that the Internet contents are is not useful for children. However, there is more persuasive argument that using the web contents will be more helpful to teach children (children 은 동의어가 진~~짜 많습니다. 잘 활용해주세요!). In the following, I will discuss both views and describe my opinion.
Some people think that teaching children by using the Internet contents is not helpful to young people because when they are learning to use the Internet, the web site is connected with a lot of things such as games, movies or news articles. Many parents try to teach children through the contents in the Internet, but many children do not follow the cyber class due to many entertainments are included in a computer, which These contents disturb young students from makes young students could not concentrate to listen to class. For example, when I was an elementary school student, my friends and I always played games or searched in the Internet when we were was taking a cyber class. This is because, the lecture was admitted to attendance as long as it was on and websites were linked to a lot of games. For these reasons, cyber class was not effective to learn subjects for us.
Nevertheless, the Internet contents not only have more than billions of data but also can access to cyber spaces easily and quickly. In fact, massive materials have children's education data, and it makes teachers or parents teach customized education for children's needs. For instance, many parents do the home schooling because they want to give their son or daughter what they want to learn or suitable education such as piano class or deepen academic courses by using the Internet contents. Furthermore, by receiving fit education, children can become more creative and innovative than other students who learn in school.
To sum up, while it is apparent that teaching students to use web contents might not effective for young people, it is undeniable that huge education materials will provide variety of useful study methods to children.
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5
본론 첫 번째 문단 초중반에, 제가 거의 한 줄을 통째로 날렸습니다. 그 이유는 지워진 부분과 서론의 첫 문장의 상당수가 겹치기 때문인데요, 이처럼 겹치는 내용은 분량 채우기로만 인식되므로 제가 날려버린 부분 대신 수정해드린 사항처럼 조금 더 깔끔하게 구성하는 연습이 필요합니다.
또한 정확히 몇 점이 필요하신지 모르겠지만, 지금 템플릿에 대한 의존이 조금 있는 상태인데, task 1의 경우는 템플릿으로 해결이 안 되기 때문에, 여기서 까이게 되어, 결국 실전에서 총점은 아직 6.5는 잘 안 나올 거에요. 그러므로 task 1 연습도 많이 해주시고, 혹시 7.0 이상이 무조건 필요하신 거면 task 2도 템플릿 없이 능동적으로 작성하는 연습을 해주시는 걸 추천드립니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)