The number of people who decide not to have children has increased greatly. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Some people believe that there are negative effects on the rise of rising people who do not get children. However, there is a more persuasive argument that it is a positive development that the number of people who decide not to give birth to born children is (number 와 호응됩니다.) are increasing considerably.
On the one hand, there are negative effects on labor market because not having children can lead to labor shortage. In the future, it is difficult to employ workers and there are economic declines due to an increase in increasing the number of people who have no children. For instance, the governments in Japan are suffering serious problems in labor market as decreasing workers and population due to the young generation not bearing babies since 2010. (이 문장은 앞에서 했던 말에 일본과 2010만 붙여서 그대로 반복하는 것에 지나지 않습니다. 즉, 분량 채우기에 불과하죠.) This instance shows that not bearing a child can cause to decline labor markets with lack of workers.
Nevertheless, it is evident that deciding not to have children gets can bring a positive improvement such as offering better livelihood to children. This is because, it will be able to provide children qualified education and better environment in their future. For example, in New Zealand, there are many schools with only a small number of students. these students can grow These schools can raise children's efficiency in school life and produce well-educated students. This example shows that people can get many advantages of their children's lifestyle in schools.
To sum up, while there are negative developments of not having children to labor market, it is apparent that children can adapt easily in school with a better atmosphere and lack of students.
총평: (6/5/6/5) 5.5
일단 논제에서 do you think this is a positive or negative development 라고 묻고 있으므로, 기계적으로 템플릿에 따라 양쪽 입장을 전개하는 것이 아닌, yxn님만의 생각을 펼칠 수 있습니다. 즉, 서-결론에서 과연 이게 긍정적인지/부정적인지를 명시해주시고, 그 다음에 본론 두 문단에서는 오직 그 내용으로만 채울 수 있어야 해요. 이에 대해서는 밑의 링크를 참고해주세요~사실 본론2의 경우 내용 자체도 약간의 문제가 있긴 한데, 일단은 한꺼번에 너무 많은 사항을 말씀드리면 머리가 터지니까 우선순위를 둔다는 의미에서 본론2 설명은 일부러 생략하겠습니다.
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_method&p=2&type=url&uid=471212
또한 지금 문법에 근본적인 문제가 있는 정도까지는 아니지만, 그래도 아주 깔끔한 건 아닙니다. 그러므로 6.5점 이상의 안정적인 점수가 무조건 필요하시다면, 글을 쓰는 것과는 별개로 꼭 문법 공부를 병행해주세요! 결국 문법+어휘를 성실하게 해내는 학생이 빨리 졸업합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)