Some people claims that mental activities on leisure time improves their mind>> 퀘스쳔 어디에도 mental 에 관련된 말이 없습니다. However, I firmly believe that taking a good rest break on free time has more advantages>> than what ? in terms of boosting work performances. It boosts people's work performances, as well as makes people maintain their physiques healthy.
First of all, having a proper resting time is beneficial for people’s work efficiency. It is mainly because,>> because 앞뒤론 전치사나 수식절이 나와서 콤마가 붙지 않는 이상엔 콤마 빼주세요 taking a rest during their free time gives their mind to get freshed be refreshed from hard labour. For instance, from my experience, I have better can make good performances on both physical and mental activities after I have a enough time to recharge my mind physically and mentally myself.
In addition, it is highly important for most people to keep their physical condition well. The reason is that a condition of human bodies is easily affected by their mental status. The recent research shows that people with poor mental health also have lower physical abilities,>> 콤마 빼주세요 as well as they are more vulnerable to get be infected by virus or have higher risks of getting sick from illness and disease.
In conclusion, for most people, having a sufficient amount of time for refreshing their mind is more important than developing their mental strength even on their free time,>> 깁니다 콤마대신 마침표 써주세요 . It is because giving some time for relaxing to the brain helps enhance their work abilities as well as maintaining healthy life.
각 문단별 첫 줄의 맨 앞은 한 칸 띄고 시작합니다(들여쓰기) 글자수가 약 210자 정도로 기준인 250자에 미달되어서 큰 감점이 예상됩니다 휴식과 레저 중 하나를 골라서 주장하는 글입니다 하지만 본론의 구성이 이상합니다 갑자기 건강을 유지하는게 중요하다는 시선으로 작성되고 있습니다 다른 지적 사항들은 위에 있습니다 결론은 서론을 페러프레이즈해서 쓰는게 더 좋습니다
Task Achievement - 5
Coherence and Cohesion - 5
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy -5
5.0 예상합니다