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Some governments claim that a few items and behaviors should be regulated by law in order to maintain communal safety, while the public argue that this kind of regulation infringes people’s freedom and the right to pursue good quality of lifestyles. Personally, to what some extent, I believe that some proper rules are necessary for the stability of a country.
To begin with, it is true that excessive stipulations by governments could bring about rather a set of side effects for the people. >> 설명이 나오고 예시가 나오는 것이 좋습니다 For example, the Spanish government is limiting closing time of bars and pubs in parallel with banning selling liquor after sunset time. Even though the Spanish government intended to diminish crimes committed by drunken people >> persons가 개인개인을 지칭하며 여럿을 의미하긴 하지만 people 이라고 지칭하시는게 더 좋다고 생각합니다, resident people merchants are still making a breach violating the law regardless of selling time of liquor. Apart from that, in case of Korea, the government permitted people to enjoy and drinking over the night. Thus, Korean people are able to be relaxed after finishing their work and can alleviate a sort of plenty of stress and pressure. Moreover, >> Moreover는 사실 주장을 나타내는 부사라고 봅니다 Besides등으로 써주는게 나을 듯 싶네요 except for a minor group, many people are capable of controlling their lifestyles themselves with health and well-being. >> 하나의 관점만 가지고 서술해주세요 양 쪽의 의견을 다 하실 필요는 없습니다
Nevertheless, I am convinced that governments should intervene in civilian’s lifestyle.>> 여기서 나오는 의문이 있습니다 Why? Why should governments do that ? 이라고 할 것까지 대비해야 합니다 그래서 제가 주장 뒤에는 항상 설명을 강조하는 이유입니다 For instance, most of >> of 가 들어가면 한정적인 의미가 있습니다 most time 대부분의 시간 most of your time 너의 대부분의 시간 처럼 어느 범위를 한정시킵니다 governments in the world have rules regulating smoking areas. Certainly, though, around a half of the population in my country is smokers, whereas the rest of them are not so. The former people could advocate their freedom of smoking. Yet, >> 문두에 부사가 나오면 뒤에 콤마 넣어주세요 the smoking can induce all kinds of illnesses related with inhalation to aspiratory diseases or fatal cancers. Smoking in elsewhere would also make harmful effects on cleanliness and sanitary conditions in the public facilities. Accordingly, at least in the public places, it is needed to be regulated for the sake of social well-being whatsoever smokers denounce its policy.
In conclusion, I believe that governments must make rules and regulations for social convenience of people to some degree.
both views를 보이라고 했나요? 아니라면 본문엔 하나의 의견만 써주시구요 그것만 지우면 글자수도 줄고 시간도 단축되겠네요 현재 320 자가 넘습니다
70자 이상 초과하셨구요 전체적인 글의 흐름은 좋습니다만 군데군데 실수가 있긴 합니다 단어는 좋습니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 7 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.5 예상합니다 |