▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument whether or not allowing weapon such as a gun to the police the police to havve guns increases the levels of criminal activity crime. Without any question, I argue that having firearms would significantly lower significantly the violence at >> 유지할 수 있는 선에서 줄인단 말보단 유지할 수 있는 선까지 줄인단 말이 더 어울릴 듯 싶네요 at 보단 to 가 좋을 듯 싶습니다 a maintainable level, which now will be discussed now.
To begin with, the police officers would have more power to restrain criminals.>> 여기까지 써주시구요 if 부턴 주장에 대한 설명으로 봐주세요 if they have guns, Since most criminals act abnormally in crime scenes and this is generally out of control, the only way to take control of them is enforcement with weapons it will be easy to submit criminals with using arms. For instance, if a criminal having a knife confronted has a knife, confronting with and threatening to stab an unarmed police officer, there might the stabber can be an attempt to escape from the police because it is impossible to catch them him or her without long range weapons. Therefore, >> 문두 부사 뒤 콤마 넣어주세요 it is necessary to carry guns to hold them culprits in an urgent situation.
However, those who oppose to possession of weaponry insist that carrying guns would merely invoke stimulate criminals more aggressive >> 누가 어떻게 말한다가 아니라 이런 관점이 있다 하고 설명부터 본인의 주장을 넣으시면 됩니다. This is a case when it comes to less severe violence such as stealing items in a shop.>> 그저 약한 사건에 관한 것이다라고 범위를 압축시켰네요 통념적으로 접근해주세요These criminals would react with much tension when they see an armed police,>> 콤마 빼주세요 and this would make the situation worsened. We have seen cases that many young people committed suicide due to heavy enforcement by police>>?? 경찰에 의해 무슨 강요가 자살로 이끄나요?.
In conclusion, although the possession of gun is intimidating for some crime, it is a way that makes our society safer and reliable>> 총의 소유가 몇몇 범죄를 두려워하게 할지라도 우리 사회를 안전하고 믿을만하게 하는거다 ? 두 내용이 반대의 내용이 아니네요. Perhaps, it is the best way for the police to possess weapons with care, but not to overuse them.
아..생각이 안나서 시간은 오버됐네요..내용만 봐주세요 감사합니다.
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논리가 잘 맞지 않는다거나 너무 함축된 의미로 글이 작성됐네요 단어는 다양히 잘 써주셨습니다 비교급은 비교 대상이 없거나 명확하지 않은 이상엔 쓰지 말아주시고 안 써도 될 부분은 쓰지 말아주시길 바랍니다 어휘력에 비해서 그래머는 좀 부족한 편인 듯 싶기도 합니다 그래머는 금방 고치실 듯 합니다 논리는 한국어로 써보고 영어로 옮겨보고 해보시는게 좋습니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 7 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
6.0 예상합니다
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